Only For a Night

As I step into the anonymity of the Internet confessional, I once again find myself struggling with a retread emotion. but maybe another night...

Drive it like you stole it

And I'm driving a stolen car,

on a pitch black night, 

and I'm telling myself I'm gonna be all right

But I ride by night and I travel in fear

That in this darkness, I will disappear.

-- Bruce Springsteen - "The River"

The easiest lies spoken are the ones you tell yourself.  The small compromises whose summation is destruction. What is the old saying?  "Denial just ain't a river in Egypt".  Well, I'm speaking more broadly here.  Our friend Bruce spells out a scenario where in everything should be okay.   But much like the tragedy of false expectations, our hope arrives stillborn.  And we are left to wonder why.  I will be honest.  I'm not where I thought I would be at the young age of 35.  What makes it even more interesting is knowing what I want, but knowing that now is not the right time.  It begs the question of when will be the right time?  I don't mean to sound like so many other pathetic posts on here.  But when one is confronted by nothingness, it leaves time to go over the same ground.  

I will say this, I need a change.  But usually a change is preceded by bad news.  Call me a little gun shy, but I prefer the routine right now.  And so spring leads to summer and life goes on, right?  It is important not to overlook the fulfillment and joy that is present all around me.  There are certain, amazing blessings that I truly thankful for.  Blessings that words cannot express.  For when all you know is darkness, the light is shocking.  The light is something that cannot be put back in the bottle.  That's what it is.  I've been stumbling a little to write this one, but I think I have it now.  It is easy to get so caught up in what I want, or what I don't have, that I lose sight of all the amazing things I do have.  

So this Thanksgiving, as I count the many blessings.  I know I don't have enough fingers or toes to count them.  I accept the uncomfortable reminder that I do not have what I truly desire, but in time, in God's plan, it will work out.  

If we are living the lie, putting on the falseness of someone else.  Driving our "stolen car" of a life, then this is how we live:

Ecclesiastes 2:10-11- 

And all that my eyes desired I did not refuse them. I did not withhold my heart from any pleasure, for my heart was pleased because of all my labor and this was my reward for all my labor. Thus I considered all my activities which my hands had done and the labor which I had exerted, and behold all was vanity and striving after wind and there was no profit under the sun.

Striving after the wind.  I think that speaks for itself.    But I think most importantly, it is realizing what St. Paul said:

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

-- Phil. 4:12

So that's it.  

No Light, No Light

Midnight, street light,

Shadows, touch your face

Whisper, goodnight,

Though I want you so, to stay.

I'm standing on the hardline,

Taking my sweet time

Praying that you'll see why,

I' m slow to change.

Been fighting on the front line,

Victim of a heart crime

Just can't let you steal mine away

Listen, reasons never will explain.

Freedom, is just to save time,

'Til I'm strong enough,

To bend and not break.

-- Waylon Jennings "Hard line"

I was cleaning out some old cds tonight and came across one that has this song on it.  This song brings me back to a deciding moment in my life.  One night.  Actually, more like a few hours.  Minutes really.  Oh the stupidity of youth.  When all you think you want is there for the taking, but due to stupidity, ego, or cruelty.  I'm not sure which applies, or even if they do.  But seeing as how things are now, I don't think I would change it.  No, I'm certain I wouldn't change it.  We pay as we go and there are no refunds.  So it begs the question, after all these years am I strong enough to bend and not break?

 

Only if For a Night

"no light no light in your bright blue eyes

I never knew daylight could be so violent

A revelation in the light of day

you can choose what stays and what fades away"

-Florence + Machine "no Light no light"

Damn.  That is a song.  I encourage you to go over to youtube and listen to her unplugged concert.  This one starts at about 19 minutes in.  You can't auto tune talent like that.  She makes the sound engineers job easy.  You also can't fake that emotion.  I don't know what it is about the fairer gender, but they can write some lyrics and express things that most men cannot comprehend.  Thank God for differences.  

So the government shut down looms.  I have to ask.. wouldn't it be great if they called a government and no one showed up?

I think four classes was one too many, or one too few.  

Yep, I have too much on my mind to organize it into a semi coherent ramble fest tonight.  

Disconnected

“Let him who cannot be alone beware of community... Let him who is not in community beware of being alone... Each by itself has profound perils and pitfalls. One who wants fellowship without solitude plunges into the void of words and feelings, and the one who seeks solitude without fellowship perishes in the abyss of vanity, self-infatuation and despair.”

― Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together: The Classic Exploration of Faith in Community

so this week has been like camping.  No Internet.  No Mail service.  No Internet due to the complexities of keeping a wire connected and availability of my schedule.  I laughed when Time Warner asked if Monday at 11 AM was a good time for their over qualified technician to drop in.  I inquired how one could make the money necessary to pay for the luxury of their service if one is receiving their employees at one's home. No mail, and I hardly noticed, due to a key issue.  Actually, lack of key issue.  See, the thing is, I hate minor inconveniences.  Having to unlock the mailbox every day ranks up there with people buying lottery tickets at Speedway while I not so patiently wait behind them.  Also, I keep forgetting to inform the mailman (woman?) of this issue.  The mail sits there like Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca.  And Waits.  And Waits.  And Waits.  

So while perusing the net on the grand ol iPad, I came across the above quote.  It reminded me of some previous quotes and issues I have discussed.  So, I thought you might enjoy it.

Soon, and hopefully soon, I shall rejoin the land of the connected.  

Silence

If the noise concerns you

ponder the silence.

- MS

-------------------------------

I've been trying to do it right
I've been living a lonely life
I've been sleeping here instead
I've been sleeping in my bed,
 I've been sleeping in my bed 

 So show me family

 All the blood that I would bleed
 I don't know where I belong
I don't know where I went wrong
 But I can write a song 

--Ho Hey  - The Lumineers

So it was a good week.  I enjoyed the sand, the trees, the blue skies and the cool water.  Pretty much every other vacation, although lacking in the "task" department.  Quick side note:  I have a new definition of "roughing it".  If there is no data connectivity on the cell phone, it is remote. 

So everything is still kind of a mis mash right now, so I am hoping that this catharsis can organize itself as it comes out.  

After the midnight run across the border, back to sanity,  the silence surrounds.  I didn't notice how the interactions and physical presence is quickly assimilated.  The constant background noise of companionship is easily overlooked.  It is a most unwelcome realization.  I have no real concept of sharing one's life with another.  I've never been in that position. Whether I walked away or she ran is immaterial.  It simply hasn't happened.  The family life is a life of noise.  It is one where demands are exceeding resources daily.  It is a not a safe life. The silence is the opposite.

I'm going to take a quick detour... keep this thought.

Sometimes we see ourselves best through others eyes.  The fourth window of understanding opens and we view things that are so minuscule in our eyes, but in reality are huge.  I was asked what a friend of mine's hobbies are.  I use the term friend as it is meant, not an acquaintance.  I didn't know what to say as I wasn't aware of any things such as golf, checkers, or making cheese bread.  It was simple.  She loves her husband and her daughter and that makes her happy.  Which lead me down a path regarding my own path.  I've been described as the "same" as this person at times. Ignoring certain gender differences, I pretty much agree with that assessment.  It is a blessing.  But in that answer about her, I found another question.  Was I like that?  My own upbringing would suggest so.  My parents didn't have "hobbies".  My dad didn't fish.  My mom didn't have girls night out.  I come from a family man and woman.  I remember many times scanning the bleachers ( I had a great view from the bench) and finding my parents up there.  After working all day, driving 3 hours to watch their son sit out, again. There isn't much time to have a beer at the Elks club when your children are a priority.  I see it in my parents.  I see it in my friend.  I see it in myself.  

So that brings us back.  When the stuff of life whittles away and reduces us to the least common denominator of our true selves, it is an illuminating discovery.  It is also incredibly hurtful to realize that vast amounts of life have been wasted in silly pursuits and childish aspirations.  So embracing the fallen dreams and heartache is part of the maturation process...  I guess.  But learn that the ladder has been against the wrong wall only makes me want to burn down the house that it was up against.  I realize now what would make me happy.  But like any medicine, there are side effects.  Sure, there is drama to deal with.  Every pill has a side effect and every cure isn't a cure all.  But at least getting the car in the right direction is half the solution, correct?   While I may at times praise the silence, I know that it is deafening.  The noise is more fulfilling.  The noise is dangerous.  The silence is cesspool of selfishness that beckons the contemplative life.  But the noise is purifying.    The noise is dangerous.  The noise hurts.  The noise is where I am supposed to be.

I know my call despite my faults

 and despite my growing fears.....

And I'll Find strength in pain

And I will change my ways

I will know my name as it's called again.

Mumford and Sons "The Cave"

Nothing Compares

This may sound as criticism, but it not.  So stick with me on this one.  Remember that sacred cows make the best hamburgers.

I was engaged in a conversation today regarding the allure of non denominational churches.  I know many Catholics will relegate these churches to a minor footnote in the annals of Christianity, but it gives me pause.  The focus of the discussion was the role of emotion in relation to one's spiritual journey.  I can see how the non denoms have a point.  Yes, there is much focus on the emotional aspect of redemption.  I think as Catholics, we can learn much from this.  I know in my own life, it is easy to take the redemptive work of the cross for granted.  When one grows up in it, is surrounded by it, it becomes easy to overlook it.  I'm not the only one.  So I think that cradle Catholics tend to look with wonderment what the big deal is about.  I remember reading a book by a Catholic priest many years ago.  It was when I was "church shopping".  I was trying to find where my own personal spiritual center is.  I remember reading this book, I forget the name, and the overriding question I had was.. "what is up with this guy?  he is totally in love with God"  And I had to take a step back.  I wasn't used to hearing a Catholic priest discuss God in such terms.  I had been used to a theoretical God, the sanitized version.  This was the first time I heard a Catholic priest discuss the "wonderment" of Christianity.  Put simply, the Mystery.  His fascination with it rubbed off on me.  I discovered that, as a Catholic, I too have an emotional tie to our Lord.  I don't mean that emotions rule the day, but there is an emotional side to being Catholic.  I know our separated brothers and sisters long for his presence.  It is too easy to take for granted that God shows up every Sunday in our Mass.  It doesn't get any more emotional than that.

Maybe as Catholics, we need a refresher to the emotional side of our collective church personality.  Pause and think about what is truly happening before our eyes every Sunday.  It is just simple rote and verse, or something deeper?  Do we truly believe what we see?  Yes, He did really have to die for us.  For you, and for me.  And let's not forget the testament of the martyrs to preserve the church He left us. You want emotion?  I think we have our cup running over.   I think behind what many consider to be a dull tradition is a deep well of emotion if we only seek to lower our bucket.  There is no limit to the depth of the emotion.  We just have to look over the edge.

Deus Ex Machina Washing Machine

There are several times in ones life that we don't want see things as they are.  For example, remember the first time you realized your parents mortality?  Was it prior to their death?  Or was it as a young adult, finally realizing their sacrifice?  Or perhaps in a moment of candor, the realization is clear of their humanity.  It definitely changes our perspective of them.  I think we become a lot less critical of so many things when we understand how frail they are.  We become a lot less critical of ourselves when we realize how frail we are.  I know that doesn't usually add up to the strong, bullet proof, type A personality so many men are inducted.  For example, have you though about Jesus in ways you normally don't imagine Him?  We all want him to be the Prince of Glory, our Savior, ultimate victor of sin and death?  Do you have a hard time imagining him weeping?  How about this one.  Washing the dirty, nasty feet of the apostles?  I have skimmed over that one too many times, but it is significant.  In the grand scheme of things, He was about to die on the cross for our sins, and yet he washes the feet of the apostles.  No sermon.  No hills packed to the gills of people.  An upper room, a towel, a wash pan.  Lesson dispensed.  Pretty simple for him.  But lets not forget that he washed Judas' feet too.  Jesus knew what Judas was struggling with.  Jesus knew what had to be done in order to achieve what he came here for.  The feet he washed were the ones that would walk his betrayer to his deed.

At times we can be uncomfortable with a Savior who is perfect.  It is what we want.  We want that "mountaintop Jesus", we don't want the feet washing Jesus.  The mountaintop Jesus is cool.  He is the man with the solution to whatever you need.  The throngs fawn over the mountaintop Jesus.  The feet washing Jesus looks us as he washes your crusty, dirty feet and doesn't have to say anything.  When the standard is perfection, our smallest sins are magnified.  That's what we don't want to imagine Jesus washing feet.  Eventually, Jesus is shown for what He is, and we are not let down.  We are only challenged by perfection.

3 Going on 30

"Keep the earth below my feet

For all my sweat my blood runs weak

Let me learn from where I have been

Keep my eyes to serve to serve, my hands to learn."

Mumford & Sons

I often wonder what would be happening on this day if we weren't caught up in the remembering.  Would it still be "business as usual"?  Would the incredible blessings that have flowed from excruciating pain have inundated us?  Or would reality be something so incomprehensible, it wouldn't be distinguishable from hades?  Or perhaps happiness unbound?  I guess we will never know.  I guess the great "what ifs" or "coulda's" will never be answered.  Filed permanently under unknown.  Sure, life changes.  It is the only constant, correct?  And while getting used to something isn't the same as accepting something, it is a close second.  How do you celebrate a day like today?  What gift or card is there to give?  There aren't any.  I truly believe the best way to remember someone is take the purest of their essence into your own.  To learn from them the very thing that made them so precious.  

I was talking to someone yesterday, browsing their facebook page.  One of their friends has a child with a major physical deformity.  And I always wonder why God would allow that to happen.  I do, I'm human just as much as you are.  Put down your stone for a second.  While I'm definitely no Bible scholar, I can only surmise a guess.  I get too caught up in the day to day "mission creep" of unappcreciation, that it takes something shocking to pull me back on course.  It is only in seeing the truly shocking that we awaken.  Among many things I have learned the past 3 years, is how quickly it changes.  And the things we take for granted, even the things that we think annoy us, are the things we will miss the most.  So back to this emotional ground zero we come every July.  To remember.  To grasp again at the "why".  To learn.  To appreciate. To miss.

But there will come a time, you'll see

With no more tears

and Love will not break your heart

but dismiss your fears

Get over your hill, and see

what you find there

with Grace in your heart

and flowers in your hair..

Mumford & Son

- After the Storm -

The Great Awakening

Usually this refers to a period in American History.  What it is all about, I'm not sure.  However, I can only speak to the meaning in my life.  As I'm sure you can speak to it in yours.  It is a moment when it seems clear.  Crystal.  The perception and reality match.  Planets align and what not.  This weekend was a confirmation to me.  And it also enlightened me to the serious selfishness that I have become too familiar with.  I don't regret my decisions, but I do regret the lack of transparency or communication regarding them.  I know that it is easy to question others intentions, and when I don't inform, the unanswered questions can hurt.  To frame this portrait of an apology will take some time.  I didn't know the effects of simple decisions.  To quote Mumford :  " It was not your fault but mine, And it was your heart on the line, I really F!cked it up this time, didn't I my dear?".  At times my steadfastness can blind my heart.  I apologize for that.    But with that sour, came the... well, I wouldn't call it sweet.  But lets say with the questioning came confirmation.  Confirmation that the decision was correct.  For all the right reasons.  I just didn't know how deep the transgressions ran.  But I don't celebrate that.  I wish it was something else.  I wish for a lot of things, but I can only work on one.

Although I wasn't asked, I would offer some advice.  Some advice to those who are taking stock of their surroundings.  Remember when the Israelites were pissed at Moses for leading them into the desert?  The looked at all they thought they had, and longed for captivity.  While I'm definitely not Moses, I can offer some advice on the desert you find your self in.

Mumford guides the way again:

Now I'll be bold

as well as strong

and use my head

alongside my heart

so tame my flesh

and fix my eyes

untethered mind

freed from the lies

I'll kneel down

Wait for now

I'll kneel down

Know my Ground

Raise my hands

paint my spirit gold

bow my head

Feed my heart slow

Cause I will wait

I will wait for you

I will wait 

I will wait for you

I know what you are going through.  The questions circle.  They taunt you at every pass.  How could you be so dumb?  Are you ever going to do anything with your life?  Are you just a loser like they said you are?  Man without vision will perish, so you call this living?  What's the size of your dream?

Simple claptrap meant to enslave you into their pyramid of false promises.  

I say stuff it.  You are free now.  Embrace the new.  God lead you through that, every step.  Kneel down and wait.  Use your head.  I was wrong too.  I was stupid too.  I let too many other people do my thinking for me.  Welcome to the club.  I know at times, you can feel adrift.  While you are waiting, remember that God is still working.  Kneeling down isn't fun.  Satan didn't enjoy it.  But every great pain has a great healing.  Kneeling down, allowing God to heal is knowing your ground.  Be Bold.  Be Strong. Use your head and your heart.  

 I don't know when the pain will stop.  I just know what I went through.  

I will wait for you.

Keep Talking

There's a silence surrounding me

I can't seem to think straight

I'll sit in the corner

No one can bother me

I think I should speak now (why won't you talk to me)

I can't seem to speak now (you never talk to me)

My words won't come out right (what are you thinking)

I feel like I'm drowning (What are you feeling)

I'm feeling weak now (why won't you talk to me)

But I can't show my weakness (you never talk to me

I sometimes wonder (what are you thinking)

Where do we go from here (what are you feeling)

What if we just shut the hell up for two seconds.  Long enough to weigh the words we are about to speak against the sands of eternity.  Will the mere utterances have meaning after we are gone?  They why fill the empty spaces with mere words?  Aren't pictures or actions worth millions more?  Then why waste time with simply talking?  

Remember Dick Tracy, the movie... not the comic book.. I'm not that old.  Contrary to some local community college admittance officers observation, but I digress.  There was a character in the movie called "mumbles".  He wasn't known for his articulation.  Each character had their own unique characteristics.  His was unintelligible speech.  Somewhat useful for police interrogations, but not for relationships.  Some equate mumbling with bashfulness.  Others, it equates to shyness.  But have you ever considered that the man just didn't have anything good to say, but felt obliged to say something?  

Terminally Single

"Out along the road to no return
Silence rules the day and knows no friend
The troubled past and all her tribe adjourn
To watch your dreams unravel in the wind


But each new morning sunrise
Is just as good as gold
And all the hope inside you
Will keep you from the cold
Bare your soul let your spirit burn
Out along the road to no return"- Robert Earl Keen "road of no return"
At some point, we come to accept that the life we dreamed of, isn't what appears before us in the mirror.  At least, the naive dreams of youth are supplanted by the wisdom of age and the taming of various ambitions.  Wisdom sets in and tilting at windmills is prone to diminish.  At least it should.  We tend to regard the dream stricken 16 year old with patience and the dream stricken 40 year old with pity.   I've heard it said that if you set your self on fire, the world will turn out to watch you burn.  I hope they didn't mean that literally.    I guess the question is, at what point does one give up?  There is a cute story about a mouse who fell in a tub of milk and struggled enough to turn that tub of milk into cheese and walked out.  It is a quaint little story, and under a less cynical gaze, one could find hope in it.  But what happens when the only crowd that turns out is the one that brought popcorn to enjoy your dream unraveling?  Their salted hands hurt when slapping you on your now open blistered back.  Et Tu Brute?  
Let me hone in.  When someone is in their mid 30s and their dating life resembles a scene from Saw 8,  well, pretty much any Saw movie, there is a "come to Jesus" meeting one has.  I had that moment a few weeks ago.  After the 2nd and 3rd worst dates ever, and yes, that is quite a list.. I think I've had enough.  I don't consider it "quitting".  I should be more emotional about that revelation.  But I'm tired.  I'm tired of the constant looking.  Living life with this expectation that at any moment, it could all change.  I'm tired of being the Fifth or Third, or Seventh wheel.  It's just a slow acceptance that I have no control over this area, so I don't have the answer.  I wish I could pontificate on all the reasons why, but I''m tired.  I'm tired of hoping, expecting, and wishing.  I'm tired of having this bar of marriage = success held up to my life.  I know you don't, but some have.  Singleness isn't life's penalty box.  It doesn't mean that God doesn't favor me.  It just means what it is.  I am single.  Perhaps terminally single.  I don't want your fixing, or advice, or anything.  Just accept it.  I have.  Oh, and also think for a moment when you want to tell me how to "fix" it.  Dale's first law is that unwelcome advice is criticism.  I do get a chuckle when married couples tell me how wonderful it is to be married, and then get into an argument.  Awkward.  Besides, if it (marriage) was so wonderful, why do half of them end in divorce?  I could wax poetic about marriage and divorce all night, but that isn't the point.  The point is.  Sometimes, it is what it is.  

I climbed the mountains and I swept the plains
I crossed the border and I broke my chains
I walked the back roads 'til my shoes wore through
I'm still without you, without you
-Robert Earl Keen "Still Without You"

From an old notebook....

Have you ever thought about the things we collect?

our temporary madness in attaining the latest trinket

is only a symptom of the pain 

Goodwill reminds me of my personal terminal velocity

Dead men's suits & worn out shoes

adorn the creaky metal racks

sorted through by survivors

Modern Magellons,

searching for a deal.

But ultimately longing for the miracle salve 

to sooth the pain.

MS circa 2008

Thy Will Be Done.

I hate it when life interrupts my plans.  But then again, don't we all?  It can be so easy for a choleric/ melancholy type of person to plan everything to the smallest detail.  Where the sanguine excels at people, the choleric / melancholic excels at tasks.  While people aren't immediately thrown into the dust bin, the tasks can sometime outweigh them in importance.  I guess God was smart when he made both the Martha's and the Marys of this world.  But I'm glad I don't run the universe.  I know.. I am actually going somewhere with this.

Let's think of life from a Macro view, yet again.  As no one single incident has led me to this posting tonight, but a series of fortunate events.  And to date, that series of events has been the summation of 34 years on this planet.  There are moments of pride, and moments of shame.  I am, after all, human.  I think the choleric melancholy personality is haunted by the endless "to do" list.  It is a monster of our own creation.  We revel in the magnanimity of accomplishment.  As with any extreme, it can be a detriment.  Even if the motives are pure, placing more weight in the task than the person is not good.

Sometimes the simplest prayers are the hardest to pray.  Namely, the ones where we sacrifice what we are.  When we simply say "thy will be done".  It sounds simple, doesn't it?  But it isn't.  It isn't easy to let go.  I remember a weekend retreat in high school.  The theme was "Let go and let God".  My question then was.. "let Him do what?".   Ahh.. there is the crux of the matter.  Do we trust God?  Do we trust Him.. do I trust Him?  Don't gloss over that one.  It is a profound question and an even more revealing answer.

I've heard that a married couple can remain married through pretty much any struggle, except for a loss of trust.  If you don't trust the one you have given yourself to.. well, that marriage licence comes with an expiration date.  So the same is with our Lord.  If we don't simply trust at times, then we are leading down the road of self destruction.  A forest of trees has been slain to write the books containing words of wisdom regarding how to walk closer to God, be a better Christian, or study his Scriptures.   But what if the simplest prayer leads to the best advice?  Thy will be done.

I'm listening to one of my favorite songs.  "World's Apart" by Jars of Clay.  It is an amazing song.

Some lyrics would be helpful here:

Did you really have to die for me?

All I am for all you are

Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart

Think about that for a second.  What I need and what I believe are worlds apart.  It is so easy to say that we trust, yet so hard to actually do it.  Especially if you have the second Tuesday of next month's lunch planned.  At some point our own human endeavors come in conflict with Him.  It is the nature of sin, it is our nature.  

This may sound a little weird, but c'mon, look at the source.  Good Friday is my favorite mass.  Hands down.  I know it sounds weird, but it is.  It is in that mass that I see the sacrifice.  The whole of Christianity is what happened on that Cross.  Good Friday connects me with the price that was paid.  Of what I am truly worth.  And it also reminds me of the responsibility that sacrifice requires.  Quite honestly, it puts me in my place.  You know the phrase.. "know your role"?  Well, Good Friday shows me what my role is.  This year, the overwhelming message I relieved was "trust me.  If I told you where this was leading, you wouldn't do it, but you have to trust me".  I am not all that excited about that to be perfectly honest.  Our first reaction is always to think, "awww crap", when God says "Trust me".  

I remember the last time I prayed "thy will be done".  That really hurt.  Still does.  But therein lies the genius.  When we trust God to tear our own petty world apart, He will put it back together even better... right?  

I think our greatest temptation on this planet is to approach God with our To Do list, and justify it as His.  Of course, he would want me to do..... ( insert this here).  It's in His name.  I think it is a greater problem in that we don't actually want to hear the truth.  We want to be entertained by it.  Let me use an example.  Remember the Prodigal Son?  He had a plan.  Definitely not God's.  So did the Father.  He had a plan too.  The scriptures don't mention anything from his perspective, nothing is mentioned of his pain.  But at some point, he had to trust as well.  I bet he had plenty of hurt, embarrassment and anguish.  But all that vanished at the sigh

ting of a familiar form on the horizon.  His world had been torn apart.  And then rebuilt.  

When I am looking at the cross, my own travails are meaningless.  It isn't about me.  It is about Him.  It's not a popular message.  It never has been.  We all want to hear what God will do for us, about his blessings.  But we never want to hear about the God who tears down our self made walls.  We spent a lot of time on the Spackle on that wall.  After all, that Spackle had to cover up our imperfections.  And then, there God goes, tearing all that down.  We scream and scramble to start rebuilding it.  Our edifice to our ego is priceless in our eyes.  But if we saw our own creations for what they really are.  Rotting vestiges of an unfulfilled life.  

Ever seen a 3 year old drag around an old blanket.  You've seen it, right?  An old, cruddy, dirty and smelly blanket.  Yet the child clutches onto it.  Grasping at that blanket as if it conveyed some magical ability to soothe.  Remind you of anything?  Your career?  That car you always wanted?  Your trophy wife?   How about that perfect house in the perfect neighborhood that holds imperfect people?  Well, you can't see the imperfect people inside when the landscaping is just right.  Eventually, the parent grows tired of the dirty blanket routine.  It must be washed.  The child throws a fit.  There is a lot of crying.  Screaming.  Slammed doors.  "I HATE YOU!".  Why did this happen to me?.  "I'm a good person!"  or "I'll be good, just let me hold onto this".  I know this sounds familiar, cause I've said all of them.  But God drives a hard bargain when it is time for your blanket to be washed.  So we stand by the washing machine.  Anticipating.  Is it ready?  Oh gosh, is the washer going to ruin it?  Will the dryer shrink it?  Will it still be as special?  How long will we stand in God's laundry room, waiting for Him to finish?  If we trusted, we could go out and play while He does His thing.  But we don't.  I know this, because I think I have a permanent spot on the Laundry room detail watching list.  Peek my head in every few seconds "just to check".  

At some point we have to realize that world we build for ourselves sucks.  The world that He can build is a scary place.   To step over that crumbled wall requires a ticket. And it is purchased in trust.  Thy will be done.  Because mine doesn't work.  

Straight Guilt

So I am going to weigh in again on this whole gay "marriage" thing.  And it is from yet another perspective.  So this whole debate has finally reached the critical mass stage and soon will be "mainstream".  It has become fashionable to be gay now.  I don't mean closet gay, I mean leading the parade in my fuchsia colored knickers gay.  Everywhere in TV, men are either portrayed as gay, or stupid.  Unless they are black.  Even the most staunch man hating lesbian has to admit that white men are given a raw deal on the ol idiot box lately.  It's sad.

The Civil Rights movement didn't go mainstream until white people were convinced they were such racists simply because they existed.  If you don't think White Guilt is a alive and well, look at the results of the last Presidential Election.  If I was black, and I am not, I would be extremely offended by the gay movement claiming that marriage is their "civil right".  So, in essence, the gays are comparing their "struggle" to what the blacks went through?  Wow, that is a bold statement on the gay part.  I couldn't disagree more.  What the blacks in this country went through with slavery and then Jim Crow aren't even in the same league as what the gays allege they go through.  Every time some group gets pissy about society not being polite to them, they chalk it up to an experience akin to slavery.  That takes balls.  Then, all the apologists jump on board and anyone who just doesn't care is labeled a bigot, etc.

If the gay agenda was so noble, they wouldn't resort to seeking government sponsored legitimacy or name calling.   Remember Rosa Parks?  Where is your Rosa Parks ?  Someone with class and dignity?  I don't see any among your ranks.  I see a crowd of people manipulated into shouting names and demanding others accept them.  How about you be accepting and then you will be accepted?  The gay agenda is everywhere.  Anytime someone is "against" gays on TV, the gays are shown as noble and forgiving.  I don't see that in this place called reality.

Get over yourselves.  The only reason people sympathize with your "Plight" is because they are guilty about their own orientation.  Hence, the Straight Guilt title.  I don't care what you do in your bedroom.  It is none of your business.  And what goes on in mine is none of yours.  My own opinion is mine, and I'm sick of you calling me a bigot simply because you can't be who you are.  If you are gay, great, be gay.  I don't care.  It doesn't change one thing in my life if you are.  You can marry a tree stump for all I care, but I don't define marriage as that.  You can use the word all you want, but it only polarizes people more.  I find it pathetic you have to force your agenda down others throats because of your immaturity.  I won't be guilted into supporting you and your "so tough" life.

I think the gay agenda is being manipulated to create further divisions in America.  A house divided will fall.  So if you want to be pawn in the game, go ahead.

I won't be joining you on your guilt trip.  

Undone

The smallest lies can lead to the biggest deceptions.  Namely, in our own perception.  Said another way, we can justify anything.  Soon the justifcations grow into a monolith of shame.  It is a clear for everyone to see, except yourself.  This county is infatuated with self delusion.  Gloss over all the truth.  Even the ugly truth.  True beuaty takes a back seat to expediency.   I was in church this morning, and two females were sitting in front of me.  And I am about to go far into "reading more into this " land. so bear with me.  But they are sisters.  I've seen them before.  Both are attractive.  One is even more so attractive.  So my mind wandered into the social dynamic between these two siblings.  I wondered which one is more popular with the boys? One likes to wear a truck load of make up.  I was going to offer my trowel for her to use, but in the interest of Christian charity I declined to offer it.  The other wasn't wearing make up that I could tell.   I am by no means an expert in this sort of business, so again, bear with me.  But sister #2 was wearing nice clothes, but they didn't reveal anything.  I am theorizing big time here, but I would be curious the type of boys each one brings home.  That would be interesting.

It is akin to... single people lowering their standards.  Being alone long enough and one begins to wonder a big "WTF'.  Especially if one knows what one can offer, but I digress.  So what are we willing to sacrifice at the alter of companionship?  I used to have a very stringent mindset about not deviating from what I was seeking in a partner.  But as I get older, I think certain things have fallen by the wayside.  Although I am still open to Britney Spears coming back, I don't think its going to happen in this lifetime.  So maybe a girl who is feeling lonely lets a little skin show.  She lies and says that the slip showing is only innocence.  The guy wears the tightest jeans possible to show off the butt and lies and says he enjoys it.  I dunno, I've never done either of those.  Maybe because they don't make women's jeans in 34/32.  Probably in the "Husky" section of the women's department.  I digress.

So what I'm getting at here is how small little deceptions become big things.  We capitulate on the small things in hoping to attain the greater thing.  But what happens when we give on the small things.  Offer up our best sacrifice and then wait for the answer.   And wait.

And Wait



And wait.

What happens when we give our best and it isn't enough?  Or we trust and love and only hurt?  I'm sure the optimist among us will say that "love endures all things" etc and that in time, it will all work out.

But what if it doesn't?

At least, in the time in which we thought it wouldn't.  I guess it is as true in the single life as it is in the married life.  I wouldn't know about the married life.  I've had bottles of shampoo that have lasted longer than my longest relationship, but I would imagine it is the same.  After a certain time, the bitterness seeps in.  I guess that is why the most cynical people are old.  It takes a long time to get that bitter.  Maybe.

I have to imagine that no one grows up wanting to be bitter.

I was listening to REK and he offered up this good song :

o they turned you out when you turned them inThey told you don’t come back againNow the years stack up like old beer cansDead end jobs, payment plans
Broke down trucks, welfare checksChild support and back-seat sexYou’d kill yourself but you hocked your gunYou built a noose but it came undone
So you’re livin’ in a shack but you wanna be richAnd you would if it wasn’t for the sonovabitchThe sonovabitch, the dirty old whoreThe butcher, the baker, the grocery store
You hate them, they hate youWhat in the world are you gonna do?It ain’t your fault but they need someoneTo blame it on when they come undone
Now the storm’s comin’ in, the sky’s turned blackIt’s too late now, you can’t turn backLightnin’ strikes on the telephone wireYou’re drunk as a skunk, your shack’s on fire
The wife took the baby and the other two kidsThe dogs are a howlin’ and the chickens are deadIt’s your last night out and you’re gonna have funThey’ll read it in the papers when you come undone

Interesting visual isn't it?  I recommend listening to it.   The one lie turns into two and then three and then everything is in play. The last verse is an eye opener.  We all come apart at some point.  Simply because we all lie about things, especially to ourselves.  But eventually, we can't out run them.  So then we can either face it.  Deal with it.   I don't think most people deal with it.  It's too easy to avoid it now.  Blame it on someone else.  Remember the old testament?  The good ol scape goat.  We blame the politician for the lousy government.  We blame the school for turning out dolts, we blame hollywood for making crappy movies, we blame our partner for our crappy marriage, we blame God for our fallen world.  

In reality.  We are to blame.  The politician, we elected him and then didn't follow up on him.  The school?  Well, we expect our teacher to raise our child, Hollywood?  We complain as we write a check for our cable bill.  Rather than forgive our partner, and ourselves, we hold onto the bitterness.  We blame God for everything... simply because He is God.  What would happen if we accepted responsibility for ourselves and our lives?

Iliusions of Delusions

so I have a friend who is often quoted as saying " you can't change a head".  I believe that.  But like even the best nachos and Michelob Ultra, it can be taken to an extreme.  For if we rely too much on the intrinsic parts of ourselves we deny the opportunity to change.  Where there is common ground is where I admit that most people aren't willing to change.  I know I have my own plans / sets / agendas and deviation equals vilification.  However, I will guess that as adaptable beings, subject to what some call evolution, we have the innate ability to change.  To become more, or less as one desires.  I say this because it ties into another conversation I had.  

The basic tenet of Conservatism 101 is akin to Evangelical Christianity.  That if the masses are engaged and prevailed upon with the "truth" then they shall come to their own understanding and join.  That all the conservatives lack is a simple market share on public opinion and we can "restore the constitutional republic".  It is nothing more than a delusion at best.  At worst, it is a carefully planned distraction by those who seek to subvert our beloved republic.  I will say this.  The republic lis dead.   It died in the last ashes of the civil war.  The American Empire however still has a few last throes in this death rattle.  The facts are plain.  The history is made known.  Most of America is plenty happy to ignore it and "keep calm and keep the cable on".  We have entertained ourselves into slavery.  Our debt ridden bodies will be kicked for the last amount of change.  The stinking carcass of what America was is being scraped off the cruel road of history.  Most people don't see it.  We are too caught up in the trivial politics of "king of the hill".

I say embrace it.  Move on.  It is dead.  From the ashes, what will you create?  Nation building starts at home.  Don't like where Washington is going?  Want to do something about it?   Change your life.  Change your head and move on.  Weeping for what could have been is fatalistic emotional masturbation.  Yes, our physical freedoms will be restricted, our money stolen, and perhaps we may meet our end at the beginning of a barrel.  Fine.  You can't take my mind.  I refuse to relinquish that.  Know their lies, see the propaganda.

And Succeed anyway.

That's it Period!

Touch my mouth and hold my tongue

I'll never be your chosen one

I'll be home, safe and tucked away

You can't tempt me if I don't see the day

I'm not sure why I am going to write this.  Nothing can be gained from this.  The catharsis of exposition may help.  I feel it is time.  Last week marked the passing of a legend.  A man, who became myth is now legend.  William was bigger than life.  And when an impressionable naive 19 year old was introduced to him via tape  (yes, I'm that old), it changed my life.  To say otherwise would be disingenuous to myself and to him.  A great man is known by his influence on the smallest of cogs in his wheel.  If anything, my contribution was insignificant.  A topic for another post.  However, his death brings full circle the last few years of my life.  But Williams opened a door.  A Pandora's box of dreams, hope and aspirations.  I, like many others, was offered a golden crown.  The kingdoms of the world, bread for 1,000 meals.  How much is this crown you ask?  "Oh, not much" they answered.  "Just the silent acceptance of your will."  Of course, it didn't sound like that from stage.  It sounded more like "Listen to your upline, they have your best interests at heart".  That crown gleaned in the distance as a beacon of accomplishment.  But in the end..  in the end  I'm a quitter.  One to be scorned in that world and heralded in the blogosphere.  I can't say the exact moment I "quit".  Or to them, became a "quitter".  That is just the label they use to consolidate their feelings of inadequacy.  The quitting was more of a maturation process.  A casting of the old and clinging to the new if you will.  And yes, I'm flawed.  As the song says.. I know my weakness.  The trick is to not be mastered by it.

The pull on my flesh was just too strong

It stifled the choice and the air in my lungs

Better not to breathe than to breathe a lie

'Cause when I open my body I breathe a lie

I will not speak of your sin

There was a way out for him

The mirror shows not

Your values are all shot

But oh, my heart was flawed

I knew my weakness

So hold my hand 

Consign me not to darkness

Ultimately, my quitting is a renunciation of them.  Of what they are.  Of what they stand for.  I'm not alone.  The silent acquiescence is percolating beneath the surface.  And with William's passing, we shall see further divides, further desperation.  The people left don't realize that they didn't build a business.  They built a cult of personality.

I will not speak of their sin, my own transgressions are my own.  Theirs are theirs.  But their crown is not made perfect.  That was the goal right?  Crown?  The ultimate perfect life, where all cares would be relieved, all anxieties, tranquilized and all wants, satisfied.  It's a lie.  That's why I quit.  I won't have a part of it.  I couldn't live a life knowing what the results actually were.  I know what the intentions are.  There is no mistaking that.  Attend any Sunday morning service and they make that fact plain.  It is as self evident as our alleged liberties.

What hurts the most?  Is seeing how transparent the deception is.  And it isn't in the circles.  It is in the hearts of men who believe that their savior is their money, or their accolades or their "team".  The men who promise to be your brother.  My phone is woefully silent in the past year from this Band of Brothers.

The product they sell is hope.  Unfortunately, there is a willing audience to buy it.  Pay any money to feel that feeling again.  I believe it is more intoxicating than love.  I'm not saying that it can't happen, because it does.  But to make it happen one must become quite comfortable with a set of rules that one has to rationalize.  I simply couldn't anymore.  So I made a choice.  Slowly.  Over  a period of time.  And every day further away from that decision confirms that it was correct.   I do miss some things from time to time.  The feeling of purpose.  Yes, it gave me purpose, although misaligned, it was purpose.  I do miss that.   So with William's passing to the next life, I feel it has come full circle.  His death ushers in a new life for so many.  I hope they are ready.

I often think of the good things I learned.  There are a few.  Goal setting, delay gratification, people skills are all things that are part of my DNA now.  But those lessons came at such a price.  But I accept that.  I own it.  I can change it.

So crawl on my belly 'til the sun goes down

I'll never wear your broken crown 

I took the road and I fucked it all away

Now in this twilight how dare you speak of grace

So crawl on my belly 'til the sun goes down

I'll never wear your broken crown

I can take the road and I can fuck it all away

But in this twilight our choices seal our fate

So scorn me.  Ridicule me.  Ignore me.  I won't wear your broken crown. I'm willing to accept the conseqeunces.  

( the song above is from Mumford and Sons called "Broken Crown")