Roll Away Your Stone... I'll Roll Away Mine

"dont leave me alone at this time

for I'm afraid of what I will discover inside"

So begins the next journey. Actually, it is the same journey, just another chapter. I do not do this for vanity, but for sanity. Please understand that. I live in a different world occasionally. And lately it has become more the norm than the pesky oddity that it began. For those of you who don't know, I am one of the (whatever number shocks you) sufferers of a condition called "rosecea". I will save you the text book definition. Allow me to impart to you what it truly is. It is a thief. The most bastardy one. It takes a little bit of your soul each passing day. Until you are merely a shell of what you once were. You can see yourself behind the daily disfigurement. At least, you resemble who you once were. Am I making any sense? For those of us lucky enough, the make up can cover it. Usually it doesn't. The comments you receive to your marred face are bad enough. I'm thankful I can't hear the ones behind my back. I know. I should count my blessings and be thankful for what I have. I am. I truly am. but that doesn't make it better.

So much is in my mind right now. Namely, the scene from "Shawshank Redemption" where Red is talking about the walls of the prison and how prisoners can come to depend on them. Well, I have to throw in with Andy Dufrense on this one. I am willing to crawl through that 400 yard pipe of shit to get to the other side. For a couple of years I lived hoping that this would go away, or I could just cover it up. No longer.

It is no longer an option to deny the reality that confronts me on a daily basis. I have to do something about it. I've read all the warnings and signed all the waivers and read the warnings again. It just comes down to the simple equation that the life I currently lead with this condition is no longer acceptable. I must change it.

Ever seen Seinfeld? I love that show. The writers always knew how to weave all four stories together in the end. Marine Biologist? Great episode. Remember the bubble boy episode? The boy who had to live in a bubble? I can't remember who busted the boys bubble. But I am looking for a really good illustration and even this one isn't a good one. Let me think. .............

Still Thinking. I'm trying to express into words the accumulation of years of dejection. Of years of despising your own skin. This organ that is supposed to work with you and be your friend decides on a daily basis it isn't going to cooperate. It rebels against every medication, potion, and prayer. Each day is a surprise on the cruelty it will choose to inflict upon you. It stands as the accuser, judge and jury over every activity you had planned. Of the life you had planned. How does that sound? At first you think... Ah, it is nothing. Eventually though, you realize how different you are. After all. Acne, rosecea, kids have those right? not adults. You understand that a deeper level that you aren't being taken seriously because your appearance. I get it. When I was almost 300 pounds, people didn't take me seriously then either. Well, maybe if I was giving them directions to the golden corral they would take me serious. I wish our appearance didn't matter. I wish we all truly saw into each other's hearts and judged people based on that. Oh how idealistic. It just comes down to the simple word. Rejection.

Anything different is rejected. Rosecea is a label on your face that you are rejected. By women. By superiors, by co workers, and sometimes it feels like God has rejected you too. So much of the "tribe" goes against my grain. But at least reject me based upon what I believe or my character or the sin on my soul. But to base it simply on appearances. Why is that ?

I don't know all the answers and I can't change the world. Rosecea definitely lets you know who is in charge in the world. So rather than sit here, get the #$it kicked out of me, I am going to do something about it. Am I scared? A little. I don't know if it will work. I don't want to get my hopes up yet again. I'm listening to the Police, here is the refrain:

I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain

I may not always be sure what my life is supposed to be. But I am certain that it is not this. I am not a victim. I know I didn't deserve this social life ending condition and the requisite loneliness that comes along. Free of charge I might add. So tomorrow I start taking it back. I started taking it back over a year ago. Every pound lost. every mile ran. It is to take it back.

Simple really. I want to be able to look myself in the eye. And not be embarrassed at what I see before me. not only in appearance but in character, intelligence, and humanity. So I will take the pills. I will follow the orders and advice. I will run. I will be allowed to fulfill my destiny.

And when you see me cross that finish swine one Sunday morning in May. You will know why.

Watch this clip at 6:37. hopefully you will understand.

http://youtu.be/RdX6XDObCTo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RdX6XDObCTo

Siege Mentality

it is difficult watching the movie "the siege". It was released in 1998. Watching American's intern American's in the shadow of the twin towers is chilling. Watch this clip to get a feeling for where I am mentally right now:

I find it very hard to disagree with Denzel's character in regards to this speech. I have admit, I think he is correct. "They" have already won. "They" won a very long time ago when everyone, myself included, took it all for granted. Welcome to the death of Empire America. It only gets more ugly from here.

si vis pacem, para bellum

Mindy Smith - Fighting For It All

You can try to keep me down

You can try to keep me under

But you'll never get my will,

You'll never take my will to fight

'Cause I was born at the bottom of this mountain

I'm scaling and I'll probably climb it ,

Climb it till the day I die

All the things I know I need

It Just keeps me going

All the things I never had

Just keeps me wanting it more

Fighting for it all

I know I'm not that pretty

I'm only average smart

With an overwhelming uncanny need just a need to survive

Honey you can dig a grave six feet under

But you'll have to take me up

'Cause you know I won't be going alive

All the things I know I've need

It Just keeps me searching

All the things I never had

Just keeps me wanting it more

Fighting for it all

I never had a hero

Never met a saint

And there's nothing on this earth I can take with me

Anyway

All the things I know I've needed

Just keeps me going

All the things I never had

It Just keeps me wanting it more

Fighting for it all

Fighting for it all

So, you can try to keep me down

You can try to keep me under

But you'll never get my will,

You'll never take my will to fight

Rubicons are a Pesky Necessity

So Caesar stared across his. I wonder for how long. How long did the horse paw at the water and his mind race through the different outcomes? Did he see how sharp Brute's knife was from atop his steed? Did he feel the treachery? Or did he charge boldly through without seeing the consequences of his actions?

I guess as middle age fast approaches I begin to see to how the smallest of things have the biggest ripples. Not only on my girth, but also in my life. We all come to our own Rubicons. Where the current status quo is no longer tenable. Where we must decide. Some cross. Some ride back, away from the decision. I have made a few decisions lately that I'm sure won't make the front page. Ultimately, life must move on. In spite of everything else, even our own "wants" we have to keep pressing forward to what is most important.

Side note. What entertainment? Watch the fight scenes from Gladiator with Air Supply playing in the background... Now that's entertainment!

Okay, back to my diatribe:

What I'm trying to say is that, sometimes our lives are going to change, drastically. usually we aren't the catalyst. So there is a period of just trying to catch up to ourselves that we must do. I know I have done it. We will all come to them. I know I have crossed mine. Your Rubicon is coming. I hope you are ready.