Table Talk

It is really funny to me how when I get an idea in my head, how it changes from when I sit down to what comes out.  I was going to discuss some deep boring topic of coming-full-circle but now, that is all changing.

"I hurt myself today

to see if I still feel

I focus on the pain

the only thing that's real..

What have I become,

my sweetest friend?

Everyone I know

goes away,

in the end

and you could have it all

my empire of dirt

I will let you down,

I will make you hurt"

- Hurt.  Written by Trent Razor, sung by Johnny Cash

Life can be a terminal feedback loop sometimes.  As much as we strive to exit certain tendencies, we inevitably stray back to the familiar.  Tonight I strayed back to where so much went off the rails.  I remember vividly that table.  Those seated around it.  The conversation wasn't pleasant.  The words used included "coma", "brain damage", and my own personal favorite: "likelihood".  The crucible of the next few hours and months has been the anvil of my life.  Whereupon my essence was formed against the immutable truth.  A simple truth:  I'm not God.  I will live my entire life with more questions than answers.  I will constantly ask "Why".

But that doesn't mean I will stop questioning.

I think we take it too far in equating questioning with unbelief.  Only tyrants seek unquestioning loyalty.  I believe we were given a brain and reason for a purpose.  

So I don't know why I went there.  It seemed convenient.  But the numbness is curious.  I honestly don't know what I expected.  To be upset or to be happy, but instead, I was numb.  Not apathetic, or used to it, or "okay".  But perhaps, I am learning more every day how I truly don't have control over so much.  It was once an old saying that I often neglected, but there is wisdom in knowing that the only two things you can control are your attitude and actions.  So the table talk tonight was different.  None of those nasty nouns and adjectives that only upset the emotions and intellect.  But the backdrop was there.  Profound simple truth always lurks in our backdrop of life.  We can choose to acknowledge it or ignore it.  Ignore it at your peril.

"Regrets collect like old friends

Here to relive darkest moments

I can see no way, I can see no way

And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh

But I'd like to keep some things to myself

I like to keep my issues strong

It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool and I've been blind

I can never the past behind

I can see no way I can see no way

I'm always dragging that horse around....

..

Tonight I'm going to bury that horse in the ground

..

And it's hard to dance, with the devil on your back,

so shake him out

And I'm done with my graceless heart

Tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart.."

-- Florence and the Machine "Shake it Out