That's it Period!

Touch my mouth and hold my tongue

I'll never be your chosen one

I'll be home, safe and tucked away

You can't tempt me if I don't see the day

I'm not sure why I am going to write this.  Nothing can be gained from this.  The catharsis of exposition may help.  I feel it is time.  Last week marked the passing of a legend.  A man, who became myth is now legend.  William was bigger than life.  And when an impressionable naive 19 year old was introduced to him via tape  (yes, I'm that old), it changed my life.  To say otherwise would be disingenuous to myself and to him.  A great man is known by his influence on the smallest of cogs in his wheel.  If anything, my contribution was insignificant.  A topic for another post.  However, his death brings full circle the last few years of my life.  But Williams opened a door.  A Pandora's box of dreams, hope and aspirations.  I, like many others, was offered a golden crown.  The kingdoms of the world, bread for 1,000 meals.  How much is this crown you ask?  "Oh, not much" they answered.  "Just the silent acceptance of your will."  Of course, it didn't sound like that from stage.  It sounded more like "Listen to your upline, they have your best interests at heart".  That crown gleaned in the distance as a beacon of accomplishment.  But in the end..  in the end  I'm a quitter.  One to be scorned in that world and heralded in the blogosphere.  I can't say the exact moment I "quit".  Or to them, became a "quitter".  That is just the label they use to consolidate their feelings of inadequacy.  The quitting was more of a maturation process.  A casting of the old and clinging to the new if you will.  And yes, I'm flawed.  As the song says.. I know my weakness.  The trick is to not be mastered by it.

The pull on my flesh was just too strong

It stifled the choice and the air in my lungs

Better not to breathe than to breathe a lie

'Cause when I open my body I breathe a lie

I will not speak of your sin

There was a way out for him

The mirror shows not

Your values are all shot

But oh, my heart was flawed

I knew my weakness

So hold my hand 

Consign me not to darkness

Ultimately, my quitting is a renunciation of them.  Of what they are.  Of what they stand for.  I'm not alone.  The silent acquiescence is percolating beneath the surface.  And with William's passing, we shall see further divides, further desperation.  The people left don't realize that they didn't build a business.  They built a cult of personality.

I will not speak of their sin, my own transgressions are my own.  Theirs are theirs.  But their crown is not made perfect.  That was the goal right?  Crown?  The ultimate perfect life, where all cares would be relieved, all anxieties, tranquilized and all wants, satisfied.  It's a lie.  That's why I quit.  I won't have a part of it.  I couldn't live a life knowing what the results actually were.  I know what the intentions are.  There is no mistaking that.  Attend any Sunday morning service and they make that fact plain.  It is as self evident as our alleged liberties.

What hurts the most?  Is seeing how transparent the deception is.  And it isn't in the circles.  It is in the hearts of men who believe that their savior is their money, or their accolades or their "team".  The men who promise to be your brother.  My phone is woefully silent in the past year from this Band of Brothers.

The product they sell is hope.  Unfortunately, there is a willing audience to buy it.  Pay any money to feel that feeling again.  I believe it is more intoxicating than love.  I'm not saying that it can't happen, because it does.  But to make it happen one must become quite comfortable with a set of rules that one has to rationalize.  I simply couldn't anymore.  So I made a choice.  Slowly.  Over  a period of time.  And every day further away from that decision confirms that it was correct.   I do miss some things from time to time.  The feeling of purpose.  Yes, it gave me purpose, although misaligned, it was purpose.  I do miss that.   So with William's passing to the next life, I feel it has come full circle.  His death ushers in a new life for so many.  I hope they are ready.

I often think of the good things I learned.  There are a few.  Goal setting, delay gratification, people skills are all things that are part of my DNA now.  But those lessons came at such a price.  But I accept that.  I own it.  I can change it.

So crawl on my belly 'til the sun goes down

I'll never wear your broken crown 

I took the road and I fucked it all away

Now in this twilight how dare you speak of grace

So crawl on my belly 'til the sun goes down

I'll never wear your broken crown

I can take the road and I can fuck it all away

But in this twilight our choices seal our fate

So scorn me.  Ridicule me.  Ignore me.  I won't wear your broken crown. I'm willing to accept the conseqeunces.  

( the song above is from Mumford and Sons called "Broken Crown")