What if?

So think for a moment. About Funerals. Fun right? Stay with me here. Have you ever seen the movie "Castaway"? Remember the scene where the fed ex guy is back and his friend/co worker is talking about the funeral they had for him? They put things into a casket and buried the casket?

What if, you had a friend, loved one, complete enemy, etc that was missing, presumed dead and you could put one item into a coffin?

What one item would be sole representation of your relationship with that person?

So What is the point of all this? Life.

Yep, its been one of those kinds of days. Actually, more like one of those kinds of years. Or Decades. I think the hardest thing about life is the fact that it is constantly changing. The dynamic ebb and flow. The turning of the planet can make us dizzy sometimes. I know I have been attempting to catch my breath. I take a lot of comfort in the Bible and Al Pacino:

Just testing this

Grey Street

No, it's not a song about a street. It is a song that builds an allegory of living on a grey street with one's life. Ever walked down it? Let's let Dave take us there...

She prays to God most every night
And though she swears it doesn't listen
There's still a hope in her it might
She says "I pray oh But they fall on deaf ears,
am I supposed to take it on myself?
To get out of this place? "
Oh There's a loneliness inside her
And she'll do anything to fill it in
And though it's red blood bleeding from her now
It feels like cold blue ice in her heart
When all the colors mix together - to grey"

yes you have. you may not admit it to me, but at least admit it to yourself. If Mother Theresa can walk down that boulevard, then I am willing to bet my prized keyboard that you have too. Just whisper it to yourself late at night when the questions come but sleep won't. Finally there yet? Feel the emptiness?

Welcome to the human experience. If you feel the foggy grey nothingness envelope you compeletely, if you take it into yourself as yourself and become it, please read slowly.

It gets better. Seriously. Those colors the bled together into grey? Remember how bright the red was? how beautiful the yellow? How enchanting the black? You always wondered what that black was there for right? Why did that bad thing happen? Why didn't that relationship work out? Why did I get fired? Why did someone die? Why did that black mix with the red and blue and yellow? I don't know why. I just know that they did. so now, here you are. Emotionally living at the end of the road. Actually, at the end of Gray street. Ragged. Empty, like all your neighbors. You feel helpless at times. When the neighbor plays metallica at 120 decibals at 2 am and you don't even care to call the police because you won't sleep regardless of the music.

It gets better. Seriously. Ever here of a chromatopraphy? Neither had I. I'll save you the boring needless scientific explanation of it. Bottom line: It takes work, but those colors can be put back. how and why and if are all up to you. But there comes a point where you would rather die out there, then live where you are.

I believe some Eagles " no more cloudy days" is on the playlist next.

Hello World

It is an absolutely aweful video. Lady A's "Hello World" Or maybe it is my perspective on the song. I think it (the song) relates to anyone who has been down some pretty rough roads in their life. Having been through a few things recently, I think I can speak to our emotional return to "day to day". As much as we can return to "day to day" after something tragic happens. We don't really return to it, we create a new reality. The holes that are created when someone leaves our life unexpectedly go dark for a long time. Then a small ray of light breaks through. Slowly, you can breathe again. Slowly. Painfully. Each beam of light is a welcome sight but seeing it only recalls what was once in it's place. Which causes it to turn dark again. The deepest wounds take the longest to heal. And the scars never fade. No matter what magical cure all we attempt to cover them with.

I don't know how people without a connect to Jesus function on a day to day basis. I am not claiming perfection here, only a realization of my own imperfection and dependance. I know that I wouldn't be here if I didn't at least know who my Savior is. While I'm not going to go "Tammy Faye" on anyone here, let us not forget what does cause the light to shine, who does help sew up those deepest wounds, and who died for us.

Perspective Folks. As C.S. Lewis states : "Enemy - occumpied territory is what this world is" Don't forget that. It makes each moment special. Whether it be in joy or grief. Neither one lasts forever. At least not here.

Hello World.

Why I write

Because life is complicated. At some levels it is. But at some levels it is quite simple. Usually this is where I sound things off and see if they make sense in the articulation as they do in the perception. It's one thing to feel something or experience something, but it is quite another to attempt to share it. I don't use specifics because, usually, several things at the same time are relating. It isn't weird, necessarily, but usually several things in the same theme all happen at the same time. Maybe because we are more tuned to an over riding emotion, we begin to see every situation in life through that "lens" at that particular time.

Yesterday, I was discussing new beginings with a trusted friend. We both agreed that most of the people in our lives were in a "transition" phase in our lives. A period of letting go and grasping on to the changing dynamics of life. We have to constantly be looking for something different, at least I do. Not different as in fundamental changes about belief systems or inherent personality traits, but in expressions of those core beliefs. I know we all go through different phases in life. childhood, teenager, young adult, husband/wife , parent, grandparent, dead guy in casket, etc. We all have a role to play in each phase. It's the transition into/out of each transition that can be tricky. So if I could rename this blog, it would be "transitions". because that is what life is: transitions. So that is why I write. As usual, some song lyrics to help you understand:

"Clarity and inspiration
Happiness is a destination, that's hard to find
It may take some time
In my mind there's something more
And ill open up a brand new door
And find the strength to close the ones I left behind
I'll get there leaning on some friends I know
The road and the radio."

Kenny Chesney = "The Road and the Radio"

Does it really need a title?

Breathe in, Breathe Out, Move On

yet again, I realize why I love music so much. To hear someone else pour themselves out in emotion and experience lets us all know that we are not alone. Even in our own created or imposed "hells", someone else has been there. And even our own created or imposed "Heavens", someone else has been there. Thank God for the poets, musicians, and the grafitti artists who channel our collective emotions so that all may partake. Even though the details are different, the pain is the same.

Thanks again to my old friend James. If you have listed to Jimmy Buffett as long as I have, you can call him James too. Thanks again for another song, another emotion, and another collective experience.

I bought a cheap watch from a crazy man
Floating down canal
It doesn't use numbers or moving hands
It always just says now
Now you may be thinking that I was had
But this watch is never wrong
And If I have trouble the warranty said
Breathe In, Breathe Out, Move On
And it rained, It was nothing really new
And it blew, we've seen all that before
And it poured, the Earth began to strain
Pontchartrain leaking through the door, tides at war
If a hurricane doesn't leave you dead
It will make you strong
Don't try to explain it just nod your head
Breathe In, Breathe Out, Move On
[Guitar Solo]
And it rained, It was nothing really new
And it blew, seen all that before
And it poured, the Earth began to strain
Pontchartrain buried the 9th Ward to the 2nd floor
According to my watch the time is now
Past is dead and gone
Don't try to shake it just nod your head
Breathe In, Breathe Out, Move On
Don't try to shake it just bow your head
Breathe In, Breathe Out, Move On

Today's lesson

We must learn the diffrence between how we feel about someone and the emotion for how we feel about those feelings. For example: we can truly care about someone on a basic level while realizing if is in our best interest not to cross a line. We can then be emotionally connected with how we did feel for them, and long for that on a different emotional level.

Does that make sense? I wouldnt say it is a conflicted set of emotions, just complicated. We, or at least I, feel that way about several people and things in my life. While I care about the person or situation, I cannot allow myself to swim in their oceans. And I miss how I felt about them before life happened.

Hope that makes sense. The feeling is similar to losing someone close to you and having never told them the important things. But then realizing that you would have never had the words anyway.

Thats todays lesson

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?

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Jack Johnson

Lately, I have had these lyrics on repeat in my mind...

"words are kind,
They help ease the mind,
I miss my old friend,
I know you gotta go
We'll keep a piece of your soul,
One goes out,
One comes in"

You are correct Shauna, you never do get over it. You just get used to the feeling.

And thats all I have to say about that. Goodbye my friend.

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Bucket List

I am starting a Bucket list. this list is subject to change and will be added to and subtracted from:

In no particular order:


1. Hike the AT
2. Hike the PCT
3. Get married
4. Have kids
5. Travel to Europe, especially Italy, the Vatican, Germany, England, and Greece.
6. rebuild an old Ford Fairlane

more to come. Any ideas?

So lately I've been feeling this creative surge. Well, since the cardio machine last night. I guess that is the best place to sort things out. I haven't written this much for a long time. Or, rather, been this inspired. It's kind of nice, but most inspiration comes from tragedy... Or does it?


We always have a reference point for everything. Every heart ache, happiness, joy, disappointment, has a reference point. Kind of like high water marks. Or even low water marks. For example. Some situation doesn't go as planned. One might say"gee, that sucks. But not as bad as this previous experience". Maybe that is why bad stuf happens? What if something minor going wrong is the only disappointment in your life you have experienced? Then it is TEOWATKI for you. For someone else, Under the same situations, they wouldn't even know it happened. So it's relative. The human experience, it's all relative. The goods, the bads, the in betweens. In life, we only have a few extreme highs and a few extreme lows. Everything else is just white noise against those two extremes.

So the point to remember in this ramble is that when something really crappy happens you may be getting a new reference point. The inverse is true as well. you may not be getting a new reference point. So that can help you cope. It's not as bad as you think.

I remember one of those long nights on the back porch after Annie died. Jason said. ". This is by far a new low for me. No matter what happens from now on, it won't hurt this bad". I understood intellicually then, but I am learning more emotionally how true that is.

It's all in the reflexes

So, I listened to my gut. I saw it coming. Knew it would happen...
And it still hurts. But not for the reason why I thought it would

Maybe I had some romantic comedy fantasy about having an argument and through
that experience we both would fall for each other. Well, it didn't happen that way. It happened
exactly like my gut said it would happen.

Side note: listen and trust your gut. It knows best.

It hurts because there was no big huge knuckle dragging, no holds barred emotional bar room brawl.
Rather anti climatic actually. That's what hurts. Not being listened to. Oh I stated my case. Clearly.
So what's worse? Losing a special part of your life or it slipping away without a squeak?

"this is the way the world ends...
Not with a bang,
But a whimper"
- t s Eliot.