Silence

If the noise concerns you

ponder the silence.

- MS

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I've been trying to do it right
I've been living a lonely life
I've been sleeping here instead
I've been sleeping in my bed,
 I've been sleeping in my bed 

 So show me family

 All the blood that I would bleed
 I don't know where I belong
I don't know where I went wrong
 But I can write a song 

--Ho Hey  - The Lumineers

So it was a good week.  I enjoyed the sand, the trees, the blue skies and the cool water.  Pretty much every other vacation, although lacking in the "task" department.  Quick side note:  I have a new definition of "roughing it".  If there is no data connectivity on the cell phone, it is remote. 

So everything is still kind of a mis mash right now, so I am hoping that this catharsis can organize itself as it comes out.  

After the midnight run across the border, back to sanity,  the silence surrounds.  I didn't notice how the interactions and physical presence is quickly assimilated.  The constant background noise of companionship is easily overlooked.  It is a most unwelcome realization.  I have no real concept of sharing one's life with another.  I've never been in that position. Whether I walked away or she ran is immaterial.  It simply hasn't happened.  The family life is a life of noise.  It is one where demands are exceeding resources daily.  It is a not a safe life. The silence is the opposite.

I'm going to take a quick detour... keep this thought.

Sometimes we see ourselves best through others eyes.  The fourth window of understanding opens and we view things that are so minuscule in our eyes, but in reality are huge.  I was asked what a friend of mine's hobbies are.  I use the term friend as it is meant, not an acquaintance.  I didn't know what to say as I wasn't aware of any things such as golf, checkers, or making cheese bread.  It was simple.  She loves her husband and her daughter and that makes her happy.  Which lead me down a path regarding my own path.  I've been described as the "same" as this person at times. Ignoring certain gender differences, I pretty much agree with that assessment.  It is a blessing.  But in that answer about her, I found another question.  Was I like that?  My own upbringing would suggest so.  My parents didn't have "hobbies".  My dad didn't fish.  My mom didn't have girls night out.  I come from a family man and woman.  I remember many times scanning the bleachers ( I had a great view from the bench) and finding my parents up there.  After working all day, driving 3 hours to watch their son sit out, again. There isn't much time to have a beer at the Elks club when your children are a priority.  I see it in my parents.  I see it in my friend.  I see it in myself.  

So that brings us back.  When the stuff of life whittles away and reduces us to the least common denominator of our true selves, it is an illuminating discovery.  It is also incredibly hurtful to realize that vast amounts of life have been wasted in silly pursuits and childish aspirations.  So embracing the fallen dreams and heartache is part of the maturation process...  I guess.  But learn that the ladder has been against the wrong wall only makes me want to burn down the house that it was up against.  I realize now what would make me happy.  But like any medicine, there are side effects.  Sure, there is drama to deal with.  Every pill has a side effect and every cure isn't a cure all.  But at least getting the car in the right direction is half the solution, correct?   While I may at times praise the silence, I know that it is deafening.  The noise is more fulfilling.  The noise is dangerous.  The silence is cesspool of selfishness that beckons the contemplative life.  But the noise is purifying.    The noise is dangerous.  The noise hurts.  The noise is where I am supposed to be.

I know my call despite my faults

 and despite my growing fears.....

And I'll Find strength in pain

And I will change my ways

I will know my name as it's called again.

Mumford and Sons "The Cave"