Victimhood

Apparently in America the only thing we are acceptable to be are victims. Yep, that's right. Everyone is a victim of their circumstance and gosh, we are doing the best we can, but the whole world is coming against us... what are we to do? And the hand wringing begins. And the sympathy and the feel goods start to flow. What a croc of !@$%

I'm watching Joel Osteen right now. Wow, he has straight teeth. The gist of his "message" (if you want to call it that) is that sometimes you are a victim but if you pay me money, God will provide you favor. I don't have enough space on here to really go in depth on this type, but I am going to tie it into something else...

Meet the press had an Obama lackey talking about what amazing and benevolent ruler we have. Basically his line of crap was that "the president (his holiness) was faced with tough decisions that weren't popular, but he had the strength to make the tough decisions". Poor little Obammy, thank you for making us all socialist because I'm sure that was the toughest decision ever.

Occupy wall street and all those idiots. Same stchick. Some rich guy makes me a loser and I can't do anything about it but sit in this park and bitch.

So apparently all we do it bitch and moan about our "victimhood" So it brings to mind.. what have I become a victim of? and how can I root it out?

how about you?

F Failure

so many times I just want to quit. I know that isn't the sanitized and politically correct socially approved version of life. At times I ready for this life to be over and to move on to the next one. perhaps I have a different experience than you have had. Or maybe just recently things haven't exactly been in the realm of "acceptable". Or maybe I am just having a bad night. Or a bad year. Or a bad decade. It's all my option to turn it around right? I am in complete control is what you are going to tell me? I can create my own destiny and take the brass ring and go for the gusto?

Or maybe I'm just sick of that crap. Sometimes, life sucks. I have always been a proponent of pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. Whatever the hell that means. And accepting responsibility and moving forward. I agree with that even now. I'm just venting my frustration regarding the unfulfilled. As the songs says and as Frost says : There are roads in both of my shoes..

I want to live where soul meets body
And let the sun wrap its arms around me and
Bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing
And feel
Feel what its like to be new

Cause in my head there's a Greyhound station
Where I send my thoughts to far off destinations
So they may have a chance of finding a place where they're
Far more suited than here

I cannot guess what you'll discover
We turn the dirt with our palms cupped like shovels
But I know our filthy hands can wash one another's
And not one speck will remain

I do believe its true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
But if the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too

So brown eyes I'll hold you near
Cause you're the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

Where soul meets body

I do believe its true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
But if the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too

So brown eyes I'll hold you near
Cause you're the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

Things I ought not to

I'm listening to the wrong songs. Or maybe they are the correct ones. Been an interesting few weeks to say the least. It dawned on me that the only adventure I have left is marriage. Not sure about that one. I mean, seriously... marriage? The Great Maybe isn't what I had hoped for. We all end up running from what we really need the most, correct?

I dunno... intimacy, exposure, risk. All are not words that I entertain lightly. Good thing I am not in a hurry to settle down. That's a samsonsite load of baggage there... ( Slappy, Samsonite... Ohhh.. I was way off!)

"I'm gonna steer clear

Burn up in your atmosphere

I'm gonna steer clear Cause

I'd die if I saw you

I'd die if I didn't see you "

Writer's Diarrhea

It's the opposite of writer's block. It occurs when a writer has too many topics to write about and can't start any of them. Or maybe it could be Writers crack rock? I'm not sure. Either way, if I try to start one topic, I will end up 301 degrees off center. We wouldn't want that to happen would we? Well, okay, I don't want that to happen. If you do, then get your own darn blog. Jeesh. Their free. I might even read it.

eh. maybe not.

Footnotes of an "also ran"

it sucks to see no return on emotional investments. Not that one expects to gain anything, at least I don't. You know that song "every rose has it's thorn"? who doesn't right? Well, here is the verse that really brings it out to me:


I know I could saved a love that night
If I'd known what to say
Instead of makin' love
We both made our separate ways

and now I hear you found somebody new
and that I never meant that much to you
To hear that tears me up inside
And to see you cuts me like a knife

I guess in time all things play out. We see the true motivations behind the actions and we uncover the apparent truth. Truth in inter personal relationships is contingent on perspective. or... Truth depends on your view point. But I digress. It's a amazing to me the undercurrents that permeate our most intimate relationships. We scratch at the surfaces for some deeper context. We claw into the depths of our selves searching for understanding of others. Sometimes that clawing can get ugly. We can uncover things that we wish we didn't know. Usually, they are about ourselves. It may appear in the form and substance of someone else, but it is still a reflection of our own hiprocrisy. Okay, maybe it's just me. I know you have never been guilty of that. Right.... And Ted Kennedy has a great classic car collection for sale... you can see it with a glass bottom boat. Anyways. So we are in these relationships. We are seeking love, contentment, understanding, togetherness, and intimacy. We were created (sorry Darwin) for that desire. It is natural.

So off into the world we go. For men it is akin to Indiana Jones. Lately my dating life has been more of a "Temple of Doom" than a "Last Crusade" but I digress again. Man, I gotta stop with the Ultra. Anyways. Back to the lecture at hand. We seek this meaning in relationships. I'm not talking about the "meaning of life" or anything like that. I'm strictly talking about inter personal relationships wherin we are seeking some deeper intimacy or meaning. And the question is... how much does it suck when you think there is meaning, only to find out there is none? I now know how Geraldo felt when he opened Capone's vault.

Failure

Is not fatal. So the great maybe has turned into a solid no. There are worse things to happen.

"this ain't nuthin"

26.2. New goal. They can shove it.

:)

The First Year of Forever

The sweet smell of a great sorrow lies over the land

Plumes of smoke rise and merge into the leaden sky

A man lies and dreams of green fields and rivers

But awakes to a morning with no reason for waking

He's haunted by the memory of a lost paradise

In his youth or a dream, he can't be precise

He's chained forever to a world that's departed

It's not enough, it's not enough

His blood has frozen & curdled with fright

His knees have trembled & given way in the night

His hand has weakened at the moment of truth

His step has faltered

One world, one soul

Time pass, the river rolls

It's not enough it's not enough

His hand has faltered.... .... ......

And he talks to the river of lost love and dedication

And silent replies that swirl invitation

Flow dark and troubled to an oily sea

A grim intimation of what is to be

There's an unceasing wind that blows through this night

And there's dust in my eyes, that blinds my sight

And silence that speaks so much louder that words

Of promises broken

Pink Floyd "Sorrow"

I don't know how I can do any better than that. But, you know I will at least make an attempt to put something meaningful here. Annie would want me to try. So if you didn't know, this past Saturday makes it one year since Annie passed away. I don't know where I should go from here with this post. Should I do a "where are they now" post? Should I do a "greatest hits" of Annie post? Should I wax poetic on her life and the lessons learned from it.

How about none of the above? Is that okay? Beyond the physical changes and the natural grieving process, I don't have any deep philosophical revelation for you. We all come to our own end eventually. For those left... acceptence is enevitable. Life does go on. Although, even today, it still seems like 2 months are gone. That is a topic for another post. We just have to pick up the pieces and move on. I have had to have a lot of conversations I never thought I would have to have. I have seen the binds of friendship and love stretch beyond breaking. I have felt and experienced so much in the last 12 months that attempting to finalize the learning curve is distateful. What I mean is, that the revelation that I received only a few days after her passing is more true than I hoped it would be. One doesn't "get over" it. One only learns to live with it. Like so many things in life, we learn to adapt. Adaptation is necessary for our survival. And that is what the last year has been: Survival.

I wish I had the words to describe the past year. But I can't. I'm limited in my vocabulary and my ability. I just know that no matter what happens, It will be okay. It will all be okay.

So much has changed, but yet so much has stayed the same. Love. Friendship. These things don't change. And maybe Annie taught me the greatest lesson in both.

Where were you when I was burned and broken

While the days slipped by from my window watching

Where were you when I was hurt and helpless

Because the things you say and the things you do surround me

While you were hanging yourself on someone else's words

Dying to believe in what you heard

I was staring straight into the shining sun

Lost in thought and lost in time

While the seeds of life and the seeds of change were planted

Outside the rain fell dark and slow

While I pondered on this dangerous but irresistible pastime

I took a heavenly ride through our silence

I knew the moment had arrived

For killing the past and coming back to life

I took a heavenly ride through our silence

I knew the waiting had begun

And headed straight..into the shining sun

Pink Floyd "Coming Back to Life"

Spritual Elitism

So there is a purveying myth present among some people that affliction equates a great spiritual understanding. This is nothing new, as Merton wrote about this. A truly dangerous idealogue in which the person's belief structure is regimented towards an un-yeilding rightousness that transcends reason.

More simply put.. they think they are better than you because God loves them more. They base this on their view of "blessings" and "favor".

I call "bullcrap" on them and their belief system. I don't believe in the worldly view of "spiritual warfare", as most would define it. I don't believe that we are meant to feather our nests here. I recall what C S Lewis said: " Occupied territory, that's what this world is". I'm believe and promote that the creature comforts of this world really don't matter. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to turn down a nicer car, or a nicer house... necessarily. The mood I am in right now, I probably would, but, no one is offering one, so it isn't really a valid argument.

These things aren't supposed to be the focus of our lives. We miss everything the Gospel, prophets, and Jesus said by focusing on the wrong things. He doesn't care what house you live in, or where you park at the mall, or what label is on your shirt. We leave it all here anyway. Why would God be overly concerned with stuff?
While I am an idealist, cynical, but still an idealist, I understand that this world runs on a "wordly" economy. I'm not blind and I'm not stupid. But I don't believe in building a life, much less a belief system, based on attaining that which does not matter.

I watched Glenn Beck's last show last night. I wish I would have watched more of his shows. I have listened to him on/off for years. It impacted me and I want to share with you the top 2 things I took away from that show.

1. Don't run away from something, run to something
2. If you want anything too bad in this world, it will destroy you.

I 100% agree with those two statements. It changed how I viewed a few situations in my life right now. While I am in the "great maybe" phase of my life, I am learning that all the glitters is not gold and there is no silver bullet for all problems.

I am also learning how much it can all change and how fast it really does all change. This is going to be a long month. There are a lot of events that I can see coinciding this month. I will keep you posted.

Ultimately, I and you, are in His hands. I leave with a line from the hardest prayer I ever prayed. I thought I knew what I was praying when I prayed it, but I have come to understand a little better the following words:
"thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done".
I prayed that in a conference room at Bethesda North Hospital on July 23rd, 2010. Ultimately, we all have to come to that place where our ambitions end and we turn it over to Him.

Inches

So that's what it comes down to, right? sometimes it really sucks to lose by an inch, or even less. But think of the times where coming up short was a blessing in disguise? Where the best laid plans of mice and men were besieged by a greater good plan?

How cool is that? So we can all relax.. We aren't really in charge anyways.

Round Here we stay up, very very very very late

In between the moon and you
the angels get a better view
of the crumbling differenance
between wrong and right..

Round here, we always stand up straight
Round here, something radiates

So it didn't work out exactly how I thought. Not just Friday, but I guess life on some levels. But the good news is that I scored a 94% percentile. Not too shabby if I can say so. But living in that bright spotlight of self apprecation only lasts so long. As I came to find out on Friday.

So maybe that is the problem? Allow me to wax poetic tonight. Maybe I am too smart for my own good. Or maybe I just progress through the logic faster than other people. That has to be it. Take for example: relationships. I know me and usually after I notice how I feel about someone else, I figure the logical outcomes of a relationship with that person and then assign odds. Usually by the time the dessert is ordered. I know, your impressed right? Don't be. It is a cruel joke or self deception. But as you know, it is usually both. I don't know why I am constantly suprosed, or maybe, I'm not and that is the problem. I am bored. The only solace I have is that is seems that others are bored too. Are you?

Maybe its only in my head. I actually got into an argument with the TV preacher who is an idiot. I didn't even have to try to prove him wrong, all I had to do was read the next paragraph from the Catechism. Too bad his idiot self couldn't have done that. I guess if one is going to take something out of context, make sure you don't linger on the topic too long. I almost burned up a brain cell on that one. It took me longer to find my copy than it did to prove him wrong.

Don't people think anymore? I already know the answer to that. Is it possible to be too bored to sleep? Well, back to it tomorrow.

Ides of May

I saw that friend of mine, he said,
"You look different somehow"
I said, "Everybody's got to leave
the darkness sometime"

It's sunday night. Usually my night for insomnia, or gut wretching semi delissuional posts about someone else's life. Not tonight. I'm just wanting to say hello. But I don't know how.

Scarecrow or Sacred Cow?

So this morning I had the overwhelming desire to hear the song "Rain on the scarecrow" by John Mellencamp. Why? I don't know. Maybe it was the 2 Italian sausages I had for dinner last night. or the humidity. or the Zyrtec. take your pick, there are plenty of options, some times I pretty messed up. That's the thing. I shouldn't like Mellencamp or Springsteen but I do. They are such whacked out liberal motards it makes my brain explode. I guess I have learned to compartmentalize different parts of our life. I don't go to them for life advice. I go to them to hear them strum their guitar and play my song. It's mine when I pay for it or download it illegally from Napster. (not that I condone "stealing") You know whats funny? How we can sit down to write something and something else comes out. Maybe the above paragraph is just so the juices would start to flow. This is what I was meant to write:

Are you angry at God? I am pretty sure I am sometimes. It's amazing to admit that. Mainly because when I think about all He has done for me, I have absolutely ZERO right to be angry. I think everyone looks for something or someone to blame when life doesn't work out like it supposed to. I won't go so far as to say that it didn't work out because you subconsciously wouldn't let it work out, and rather than accept responsibility for your own shortcomings, you looked for a scapegoat. I wouldn't say that about you because then, it would be true regarding myself. I'm cynical, not honest.

Seriously though. Why are you angry at Him? Why am I angry at Him? Like, I'm going to tell you. But just think about that once in awhile. I know I will be. It just struck me as strange that the one being that CAN do something about a situation, we hold the biggest grudge against. What is up with that? I think if God could say it, he would. He would shout it so loud and in every language so that all could hear : WTF! But that isn't God's nature. Thankfully, he is patient with us. Especially with me. Sometimes we are led to a place where all we want to do is say "I'm sorry" and the list is as endless as our torments. When matched against perfect Love, even our cleanest gowns are mere dirty rags. Geesh, can i use anymore cheesy uber Christian references? If I wanted to, it would be easy. But I'm not going to go.
I'm just going to work out the issues and know that they will work out time.

Something else on my mind lately. At your core, do you know who you are? Are you going to change for someone? I don't mean preferring the coffee with cream or not. But are you going to capitulate on your essence for the sake of someone else? Don't be so quick to answer. If you have ever been alone in this life, then don't be flip. I can understand people that do. Want to know hell on earth? Be truly alone for a month. Unless you have walked that road, don't be so quick to judge those that have. At first, it is easy to think the rest of the world is crazy, but eventually, the start reality of emptiness forces us to reconsider that view. think of it in sports parlance : Scoreboard don't lie. I'm not advocating changing who you are in order to have something or someone. I'm just stating that I understand people that do. At some point, you can't base your happiness on if or when you have a relationship with another person. Most people in our lives come and go. It is hard letting some of them go as they truly have made a mark on your heart. But sometimes, we have to let them go and sometimes we have to realize that we can't change who we are. If we sacrifice ourselves at the alter of someone else, what will be left when that person is gone?

I know this is really messed up blog posting. 3 major topics? yeah, I know. Thanks for reading.

No Apologies

You can lie to me.
it only makes me stronger
you can knock me down
it only makes me stronger
you can insult me
it only makes me stronger
beat me with your fists
it only makes me stronger
beat me with your words
it only makes me stronger
take everything from me
it only makes me stronger
rape my soul of humanity
it only makes me stronger
every push, slap, stab
only makes me stronger
you thought I was weak
you thought I would stumble
you thought I would cave
you thought I would quit
you thought wrong
you cannot imagine how strong I get
each time you try to kill the essence of me
I knew who I was long before you tried to kill me

And if you think you've had too much of this life


well... Hang on.

Chemistry

It is a volatile topic. Chemistry. and Relationships. Yeah, just what you want to read about huh? Well, I've had an idea on my mind for the past 20 years about chemistry vs soul mates. I'm going to challenge some long accepted "norms" of romance with this post. I don't mean to kick anyone in the shins, but let's be honest. The best burgers come from sacred cows. well, lets get to it...

I don't believe in the romantic fantasy of "soul mates". Sorry to burst your bubble. They don't exist. At least, I've never met one. Maybe it is the term I disagree with? No, it is the entire concept. I don't believe that we are meant to find this one person who will meet every need and solve every problem and love us unconditionally. That description can only be fulfilled by Jesus. (not Buddha or Allah, sorry.) Outside of Jesus, what about marriage? What about finding that "soul mate" and falling in love and having babies and eating fried chicken on the rocking chairs at 85? It's not that I don't believe in falling in love, or children or rocking chairs. I believe in all of those. I just don't believe that we have a destiny to find this one person and then everything else will fall into line. It raises too many questions. Such As:

What if we never find that person?
What if we marry the wrong person?
What if don't find them, what does that make us?
What does it make God if we don't find them? (how sick would that be? I don't picture God like that. That is a perverted twisted view of God, that we are just put here to suffer and toil away at nothingness until, thankfully, we die).

So as you can see, I dismissed the entire theory of "soul mates" quite quickly upon asking myself some of those questions. I have a far superior idea/theory. What else would you expect from me?

I believe that you will have people pass through your life that you have a certain chemistry with. A chemistry that is timeless. I'm sure you know people with whom you can call after many years of not speaking and pick up right where you left off. It's because the chemistry is there. The mere essence of both of you get along just fine. I am not advocating that these people are meant to be a romantic interest. But I do realize how special each one of these people are and how timeless your connection is. I do think that some of these people you can marry and be perfectly happy with. The chemistry is the basic building block of a great relationship. Great being defined between the two of you. Chemistry trumps soul mates every time.

Here is the sticky point. Just because the chemistry is right, doesn't mean that the recipe will work out. Especially between men and women. There is an entire book one can write about how our lives could work out, but doesn't and if that is a sign of a greater power. I choose to believe that God is in charge and he will protect you to a point. If you are bound and determined to screw your life up, then I believe he will let you. (not sure where that came from, but I am going to leave it in there, I normally delete lines like that. Gosh, look at how horrible that grammar is. Sorry Ms. Schieder)

Okay, back on track. Recently I saw a movie called "Limitless". I was pleasantly surprised. The gist of the movie is what if someone could use all their brain power?. Good concept. But what about if we could use all of our heart? What capacity could we love? Could their be room for everyone in there? Seriously. If you get heart broken a few times, do you ever really get over it? I don't think so, you just get used to dealing with it. (see previous blogs about this) And we learn to love another. We love different people in different ways. Even those that have become a memory. We still have that capacity and emotion of love for them. But we realize that we must let go and move that love into the "low rent" district of our hearts. It is these people with whom we have chemistry with that we do love. It is really both hearts talking to each other. That's why you can pick up after all those years. That's why I believe in true love. Not just romantic love. But loving someone just simply because they are who they are.


" Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails"

My favorite part is the last 3 words. "Love Never Fails". It doesn't. But we must not confuse love with romance. Chemistry is necessary for any long term relationship. Who wants to have any type of relationship with someone they can't stand? How dumb would that be?

So that's it. Chemistry is a wonderful gift that manifests itself throughout many people throughout our lives. Hopefully we recognize not only how special that chemistry is, but how special the person is that we have it with.

What if?

So think for a moment. About Funerals. Fun right? Stay with me here. Have you ever seen the movie "Castaway"? Remember the scene where the fed ex guy is back and his friend/co worker is talking about the funeral they had for him? They put things into a casket and buried the casket?

What if, you had a friend, loved one, complete enemy, etc that was missing, presumed dead and you could put one item into a coffin?

What one item would be sole representation of your relationship with that person?

So What is the point of all this? Life.

Yep, its been one of those kinds of days. Actually, more like one of those kinds of years. Or Decades. I think the hardest thing about life is the fact that it is constantly changing. The dynamic ebb and flow. The turning of the planet can make us dizzy sometimes. I know I have been attempting to catch my breath. I take a lot of comfort in the Bible and Al Pacino:

Just testing this

Grey Street

No, it's not a song about a street. It is a song that builds an allegory of living on a grey street with one's life. Ever walked down it? Let's let Dave take us there...

She prays to God most every night
And though she swears it doesn't listen
There's still a hope in her it might
She says "I pray oh But they fall on deaf ears,
am I supposed to take it on myself?
To get out of this place? "
Oh There's a loneliness inside her
And she'll do anything to fill it in
And though it's red blood bleeding from her now
It feels like cold blue ice in her heart
When all the colors mix together - to grey"

yes you have. you may not admit it to me, but at least admit it to yourself. If Mother Theresa can walk down that boulevard, then I am willing to bet my prized keyboard that you have too. Just whisper it to yourself late at night when the questions come but sleep won't. Finally there yet? Feel the emptiness?

Welcome to the human experience. If you feel the foggy grey nothingness envelope you compeletely, if you take it into yourself as yourself and become it, please read slowly.

It gets better. Seriously. Those colors the bled together into grey? Remember how bright the red was? how beautiful the yellow? How enchanting the black? You always wondered what that black was there for right? Why did that bad thing happen? Why didn't that relationship work out? Why did I get fired? Why did someone die? Why did that black mix with the red and blue and yellow? I don't know why. I just know that they did. so now, here you are. Emotionally living at the end of the road. Actually, at the end of Gray street. Ragged. Empty, like all your neighbors. You feel helpless at times. When the neighbor plays metallica at 120 decibals at 2 am and you don't even care to call the police because you won't sleep regardless of the music.

It gets better. Seriously. Ever here of a chromatopraphy? Neither had I. I'll save you the boring needless scientific explanation of it. Bottom line: It takes work, but those colors can be put back. how and why and if are all up to you. But there comes a point where you would rather die out there, then live where you are.

I believe some Eagles " no more cloudy days" is on the playlist next.

Hello World

It is an absolutely aweful video. Lady A's "Hello World" Or maybe it is my perspective on the song. I think it (the song) relates to anyone who has been down some pretty rough roads in their life. Having been through a few things recently, I think I can speak to our emotional return to "day to day". As much as we can return to "day to day" after something tragic happens. We don't really return to it, we create a new reality. The holes that are created when someone leaves our life unexpectedly go dark for a long time. Then a small ray of light breaks through. Slowly, you can breathe again. Slowly. Painfully. Each beam of light is a welcome sight but seeing it only recalls what was once in it's place. Which causes it to turn dark again. The deepest wounds take the longest to heal. And the scars never fade. No matter what magical cure all we attempt to cover them with.

I don't know how people without a connect to Jesus function on a day to day basis. I am not claiming perfection here, only a realization of my own imperfection and dependance. I know that I wouldn't be here if I didn't at least know who my Savior is. While I'm not going to go "Tammy Faye" on anyone here, let us not forget what does cause the light to shine, who does help sew up those deepest wounds, and who died for us.

Perspective Folks. As C.S. Lewis states : "Enemy - occumpied territory is what this world is" Don't forget that. It makes each moment special. Whether it be in joy or grief. Neither one lasts forever. At least not here.

Hello World.

Why I write

Because life is complicated. At some levels it is. But at some levels it is quite simple. Usually this is where I sound things off and see if they make sense in the articulation as they do in the perception. It's one thing to feel something or experience something, but it is quite another to attempt to share it. I don't use specifics because, usually, several things at the same time are relating. It isn't weird, necessarily, but usually several things in the same theme all happen at the same time. Maybe because we are more tuned to an over riding emotion, we begin to see every situation in life through that "lens" at that particular time.

Yesterday, I was discussing new beginings with a trusted friend. We both agreed that most of the people in our lives were in a "transition" phase in our lives. A period of letting go and grasping on to the changing dynamics of life. We have to constantly be looking for something different, at least I do. Not different as in fundamental changes about belief systems or inherent personality traits, but in expressions of those core beliefs. I know we all go through different phases in life. childhood, teenager, young adult, husband/wife , parent, grandparent, dead guy in casket, etc. We all have a role to play in each phase. It's the transition into/out of each transition that can be tricky. So if I could rename this blog, it would be "transitions". because that is what life is: transitions. So that is why I write. As usual, some song lyrics to help you understand:

"Clarity and inspiration
Happiness is a destination, that's hard to find
It may take some time
In my mind there's something more
And ill open up a brand new door
And find the strength to close the ones I left behind
I'll get there leaning on some friends I know
The road and the radio."

Kenny Chesney = "The Road and the Radio"

Does it really need a title?

Breathe in, Breathe Out, Move On

yet again, I realize why I love music so much. To hear someone else pour themselves out in emotion and experience lets us all know that we are not alone. Even in our own created or imposed "hells", someone else has been there. And even our own created or imposed "Heavens", someone else has been there. Thank God for the poets, musicians, and the grafitti artists who channel our collective emotions so that all may partake. Even though the details are different, the pain is the same.

Thanks again to my old friend James. If you have listed to Jimmy Buffett as long as I have, you can call him James too. Thanks again for another song, another emotion, and another collective experience.

I bought a cheap watch from a crazy man
Floating down canal
It doesn't use numbers or moving hands
It always just says now
Now you may be thinking that I was had
But this watch is never wrong
And If I have trouble the warranty said
Breathe In, Breathe Out, Move On
And it rained, It was nothing really new
And it blew, we've seen all that before
And it poured, the Earth began to strain
Pontchartrain leaking through the door, tides at war
If a hurricane doesn't leave you dead
It will make you strong
Don't try to explain it just nod your head
Breathe In, Breathe Out, Move On
[Guitar Solo]
And it rained, It was nothing really new
And it blew, seen all that before
And it poured, the Earth began to strain
Pontchartrain buried the 9th Ward to the 2nd floor
According to my watch the time is now
Past is dead and gone
Don't try to shake it just nod your head
Breathe In, Breathe Out, Move On
Don't try to shake it just bow your head
Breathe In, Breathe Out, Move On

Today's lesson

We must learn the diffrence between how we feel about someone and the emotion for how we feel about those feelings. For example: we can truly care about someone on a basic level while realizing if is in our best interest not to cross a line. We can then be emotionally connected with how we did feel for them, and long for that on a different emotional level.

Does that make sense? I wouldnt say it is a conflicted set of emotions, just complicated. We, or at least I, feel that way about several people and things in my life. While I care about the person or situation, I cannot allow myself to swim in their oceans. And I miss how I felt about them before life happened.

Hope that makes sense. The feeling is similar to losing someone close to you and having never told them the important things. But then realizing that you would have never had the words anyway.

Thats todays lesson

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Jack Johnson

Lately, I have had these lyrics on repeat in my mind...

"words are kind,
They help ease the mind,
I miss my old friend,
I know you gotta go
We'll keep a piece of your soul,
One goes out,
One comes in"

You are correct Shauna, you never do get over it. You just get used to the feeling.

And thats all I have to say about that. Goodbye my friend.

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Bucket List

I am starting a Bucket list. this list is subject to change and will be added to and subtracted from:

In no particular order:


1. Hike the AT
2. Hike the PCT
3. Get married
4. Have kids
5. Travel to Europe, especially Italy, the Vatican, Germany, England, and Greece.
6. rebuild an old Ford Fairlane

more to come. Any ideas?

So lately I've been feeling this creative surge. Well, since the cardio machine last night. I guess that is the best place to sort things out. I haven't written this much for a long time. Or, rather, been this inspired. It's kind of nice, but most inspiration comes from tragedy... Or does it?


We always have a reference point for everything. Every heart ache, happiness, joy, disappointment, has a reference point. Kind of like high water marks. Or even low water marks. For example. Some situation doesn't go as planned. One might say"gee, that sucks. But not as bad as this previous experience". Maybe that is why bad stuf happens? What if something minor going wrong is the only disappointment in your life you have experienced? Then it is TEOWATKI for you. For someone else, Under the same situations, they wouldn't even know it happened. So it's relative. The human experience, it's all relative. The goods, the bads, the in betweens. In life, we only have a few extreme highs and a few extreme lows. Everything else is just white noise against those two extremes.

So the point to remember in this ramble is that when something really crappy happens you may be getting a new reference point. The inverse is true as well. you may not be getting a new reference point. So that can help you cope. It's not as bad as you think.

I remember one of those long nights on the back porch after Annie died. Jason said. ". This is by far a new low for me. No matter what happens from now on, it won't hurt this bad". I understood intellicually then, but I am learning more emotionally how true that is.

It's all in the reflexes

So, I listened to my gut. I saw it coming. Knew it would happen...
And it still hurts. But not for the reason why I thought it would

Maybe I had some romantic comedy fantasy about having an argument and through
that experience we both would fall for each other. Well, it didn't happen that way. It happened
exactly like my gut said it would happen.

Side note: listen and trust your gut. It knows best.

It hurts because there was no big huge knuckle dragging, no holds barred emotional bar room brawl.
Rather anti climatic actually. That's what hurts. Not being listened to. Oh I stated my case. Clearly.
So what's worse? Losing a special part of your life or it slipping away without a squeak?

"this is the way the world ends...
Not with a bang,
But a whimper"
- t s Eliot.

If the Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me

Letting go is hard to do. Especially when it is only in self preservation. So I guess it calls to mind the question: Where is the line between self preservation and selfishness? At what point can we no longer sacrifice ourselves on someone else's altar?

To care for someone and get wrapped up into their vortex of confusion are two different things. If we are to "rescue" someone, they should at least realize that they are swirling their own personal drain. But what if they are happy? I guess it is only in looking down into their swirling that we can see a hand reaching up. Maybe they don't want or need "rescuing".

I know you will probably never read this, but if you do.... I want you to know something. It's not because I don't care. I do. I really do. But I can't let myself fall for you right now. I have to take a step back emotionally and let you come to me. Yes, it hurts because I miss you a lot. I wish for a lot of things to change, but only you can want them to change. We both deserve better. I know I do. I don't want to be a distraction or an obligation. Honestly, I don't think you want me to be that either. All I can do is open the door. And life will move on for both of us. We won't be in this place long. I can't make the decision for you and I wouldn't if I could. But you will have to decide soon. It comes down to this: I know exactly what I would do to make it work. Commitment doesn't scare me. Do you? We can be friends someday. But not until I resolve in my heart and my mind where I will be.

"I guess I'll just stay out here,

Until I know the coast the clear

sit and watch the tide roll in

till I catch my second wind"

-- Daryl Worley

Ranch Dressing makes everything better.

It does. Seriously. Ever mess up a recipe? Just put ranch in it. Breaded Chicken come out wrong? Too much Pepper or canola oil? Put Ranch on it. Quinoa come out undercooked? soak it in Ranch.

Shameless segway into the big picture:

What is the Ranch in your life?

Relationship not turn out the way you want?

Promotion at work turn out to suck?

Car break down?

Dog get knocked up by your neighbors cat?

So you get the point. But here is where I will challenge you. What if there wasn't any "Ranch" to make it better? Lets looks at this for a second. Instead of fixing the symptom, how about fixing the problem? For instance. if your own recipe of life keeps coming out requiring more and more ranch, it's time to take some cooking lessons.

Enough of cheesy metaphors. Here is the brass tacks. Most everything in our lives is there because we want it to be there. Barring health things or random events, pretty much everything we complain about is due to our decisions.

There comes a point where one has to decide what one is willing to tolerate. We have to decide that the ranch is no longer good enough and we are going to fix the underlying problem. And sometimes that involves letting go of things that we truly treasure. At least for me, I know I have to let a few things go in my life. It is painful to do that, and as much as you want to explain it, they just wouldn't understand. Maybe they will.

Red Beans and Rice Did miss her...

I know it has been a long time since I have posted and I am "fixin" to do just that. But first, I have to cook dinner.