The First Year of Forever

The sweet smell of a great sorrow lies over the land

Plumes of smoke rise and merge into the leaden sky

A man lies and dreams of green fields and rivers

But awakes to a morning with no reason for waking

He's haunted by the memory of a lost paradise

In his youth or a dream, he can't be precise

He's chained forever to a world that's departed

It's not enough, it's not enough

His blood has frozen & curdled with fright

His knees have trembled & given way in the night

His hand has weakened at the moment of truth

His step has faltered

One world, one soul

Time pass, the river rolls

It's not enough it's not enough

His hand has faltered.... .... ......

And he talks to the river of lost love and dedication

And silent replies that swirl invitation

Flow dark and troubled to an oily sea

A grim intimation of what is to be

There's an unceasing wind that blows through this night

And there's dust in my eyes, that blinds my sight

And silence that speaks so much louder that words

Of promises broken

Pink Floyd "Sorrow"

I don't know how I can do any better than that. But, you know I will at least make an attempt to put something meaningful here. Annie would want me to try. So if you didn't know, this past Saturday makes it one year since Annie passed away. I don't know where I should go from here with this post. Should I do a "where are they now" post? Should I do a "greatest hits" of Annie post? Should I wax poetic on her life and the lessons learned from it.

How about none of the above? Is that okay? Beyond the physical changes and the natural grieving process, I don't have any deep philosophical revelation for you. We all come to our own end eventually. For those left... acceptence is enevitable. Life does go on. Although, even today, it still seems like 2 months are gone. That is a topic for another post. We just have to pick up the pieces and move on. I have had to have a lot of conversations I never thought I would have to have. I have seen the binds of friendship and love stretch beyond breaking. I have felt and experienced so much in the last 12 months that attempting to finalize the learning curve is distateful. What I mean is, that the revelation that I received only a few days after her passing is more true than I hoped it would be. One doesn't "get over" it. One only learns to live with it. Like so many things in life, we learn to adapt. Adaptation is necessary for our survival. And that is what the last year has been: Survival.

I wish I had the words to describe the past year. But I can't. I'm limited in my vocabulary and my ability. I just know that no matter what happens, It will be okay. It will all be okay.

So much has changed, but yet so much has stayed the same. Love. Friendship. These things don't change. And maybe Annie taught me the greatest lesson in both.

Where were you when I was burned and broken

While the days slipped by from my window watching

Where were you when I was hurt and helpless

Because the things you say and the things you do surround me

While you were hanging yourself on someone else's words

Dying to believe in what you heard

I was staring straight into the shining sun

Lost in thought and lost in time

While the seeds of life and the seeds of change were planted

Outside the rain fell dark and slow

While I pondered on this dangerous but irresistible pastime

I took a heavenly ride through our silence

I knew the moment had arrived

For killing the past and coming back to life

I took a heavenly ride through our silence

I knew the waiting had begun

And headed straight..into the shining sun

Pink Floyd "Coming Back to Life"

Spritual Elitism

So there is a purveying myth present among some people that affliction equates a great spiritual understanding. This is nothing new, as Merton wrote about this. A truly dangerous idealogue in which the person's belief structure is regimented towards an un-yeilding rightousness that transcends reason.

More simply put.. they think they are better than you because God loves them more. They base this on their view of "blessings" and "favor".

I call "bullcrap" on them and their belief system. I don't believe in the worldly view of "spiritual warfare", as most would define it. I don't believe that we are meant to feather our nests here. I recall what C S Lewis said: " Occupied territory, that's what this world is". I'm believe and promote that the creature comforts of this world really don't matter. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to turn down a nicer car, or a nicer house... necessarily. The mood I am in right now, I probably would, but, no one is offering one, so it isn't really a valid argument.

These things aren't supposed to be the focus of our lives. We miss everything the Gospel, prophets, and Jesus said by focusing on the wrong things. He doesn't care what house you live in, or where you park at the mall, or what label is on your shirt. We leave it all here anyway. Why would God be overly concerned with stuff?
While I am an idealist, cynical, but still an idealist, I understand that this world runs on a "wordly" economy. I'm not blind and I'm not stupid. But I don't believe in building a life, much less a belief system, based on attaining that which does not matter.

I watched Glenn Beck's last show last night. I wish I would have watched more of his shows. I have listened to him on/off for years. It impacted me and I want to share with you the top 2 things I took away from that show.

1. Don't run away from something, run to something
2. If you want anything too bad in this world, it will destroy you.

I 100% agree with those two statements. It changed how I viewed a few situations in my life right now. While I am in the "great maybe" phase of my life, I am learning that all the glitters is not gold and there is no silver bullet for all problems.

I am also learning how much it can all change and how fast it really does all change. This is going to be a long month. There are a lot of events that I can see coinciding this month. I will keep you posted.

Ultimately, I and you, are in His hands. I leave with a line from the hardest prayer I ever prayed. I thought I knew what I was praying when I prayed it, but I have come to understand a little better the following words:
"thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done".
I prayed that in a conference room at Bethesda North Hospital on July 23rd, 2010. Ultimately, we all have to come to that place where our ambitions end and we turn it over to Him.