5

"Where do we begin to get clean again?"

Can we get clean again?"

5

You would think I would know better by now. It is only 4 now, not 5. I remember the good times of 5. Golf, food, trips. 5. I liked that number although at times I wished it was 6. But that is another blog for another night. tonight is about 5. Taken for granted infinitely. 5. I had this bright idea of cooking dinner on Sunday night. Being the alleged organized person I am, I shopped for 5, cooked for 5, set the places for 5. But there were only 4. It sounds so queer. It is so abstract that my mind cannot grasp it yet even today. 4.

"Every glamorous sunrise

Throws the planets out of line

A star sign out of whack

A fraudulent zodiac"

I want to break apart this new reality. I know I should embrace change and move on, but that only sounds good in books with people smiling on the cover. I never thought it would be only 4. I always thought it would eventually be 6, but not 4.

4

"And there's a memory of a window, looking through I see you.

Searching for something I could never give you.

There's someone who understands you more than I do.

A sadness I can't erase, all alone on your face."

-- Third Eye Blind "God of Wine"

The first one...

It is a grevious thing
Dealing with death
Unwinding the wound
Untimely in the ultimatum
Packing the packages
Details and duties
Repeating robotically
Wondering when and why
Searching the scriptures
Questioning the questions
Answering with anguish
Letting go of the leaving
Clinging to the comforts
Regretting the reasons
Dazed and dutiful
Smiling and sorrowful
Dealing with death

-- MS 8/16/2010

sums it up

I don't know how to describe everything. People keep asking me how am I doing...

I don't know.


I just know where I belong. I miss my friend. Every day I keep expecting her to walk in, but she never does. I keep expecting to here her call me "springtime", but it never comes. I keep telling myself that she is in a better place and this will all get easier with time, but right now I don't believe it. I watch other people that I love and care for struggling to smile and it hurts.

I am thankful to God for the gift of my friend. I don't think I appreciated her enough while she was here. I guess that is the human thing right? as cinderalla sings "don't know what you got till its gone". Tru dat.


yeah.

I miss you Annie. I miss how things were before you left. I know I could have been a better friend and I hope you can't see us down here right now. There are no tears in heaven, but there are a lot here on earth.

Dead On

http://theburningplatform.com/blog/2010/04/20/nuts-featured-article/


Its rare I find an article as intriguing as this one. Grab a cup of joe and enjoy. Worth the time...

circle gets a square

There comes a point in ones life where talk is meaningless. I could list 1000s of euphemisms for that. Talk cheap money buy land, No tiki no laundry, and so forth ad nauseam. These platitudes sound great and in times of intellectual examination, almost seem applicable. But in the end, I think, it is a decision of what we are going to actually trust in. In a dictionary, one can find the word "Trust" used to describe the word "Faith". I don't believe in faith as a "force" or a "seed". I don't think God gave us the ability to trust in him so that we can get all the goodies of mind's eye. There is a place in life that none of the shiny preachers on TV, with their perfect hair, glossy teeth, and rehearsed sermons will talk about. Trusting in God can scare the hell out of you. save the sermons on how fear will kill me and how I can't have fear and faith at the same time and that faith comes from God and fear comes from Satan etc. I understand your position and I could probably explain your position to you better than you can. I'm talking about living your life simply trusting God. That's it. No expectation that God is obligated to do something for you/to you simply because you have "faith". I think I'm going to let God run the universe and my life, and trust that He knows best. I am asked a lot of questions I simply do not know the answer to. But I do trust.

Remember what that was like? Before all the expectations, deadlines, hurrying, stress etc? Remember what it was like to just simply Trust? We all have to choose sometimes among different choices that present themselves. We have to Trust that we are being led down the right path and that He will be with us. Sometimes the choice is so clear all it takes is the courage to make the choice and the rest takes care of itself.

So, on a humid Thursday, when thunderstorms are rolling your way, I urge you to just simply Trust. And also anchor yourself deep to the one thing in this life that isn't blown about by the storm.