That I would Be good

We all have our resume that details a certain portion of work, experience, or education.  But what about the things that don't fit neatly into the columns?  What about the true experiences of life that don't align well with bullet points?

If I had to list a resume of things that I have been involved in or experienced, it would be simple:

• I've watched soul mates marry and divorce
• I've seen a father give his daughter to marriage and then watch as death stole her 
• I've shared in the excitement of a new baby and lamented over an empty crib
• I've seen the sun rise on a lumberyard on a beautiful October morning when I was moving out of my glamorous mini storage
• I've walked into the room of someone who I didn't think would wake up, to find them smiling.  (that was a good day)
• I spent my youth dreaming dreams and lived a reckless abandonment of reason pursing them, and yet, I'm somehow thankful.
• I've loved, only to have my heart put into a blender and puree mashed.
• I've driven a million miles to end up where I began in a car that shouldn't have made it 10 miles.
• I've made every mistake a man of 34 could possibly make.
• I've prayed "Thy will be done" when I didn't know how much it would hurt.
• I sat in the parking lot of a Denny's praying to God that I had enough gas to get home, and maybe a couple of dollars to eat with.
• I've sat in too many small hospital rooms awaiting test results.  
• I've failed, tried again and failed even more.  I will try again.
• I asked her to stay, only to watch her walk away
• I've walked away when she asked me to stay
• I've laughed till I cried and cried until I laughed in the same night.
• I've seen how darkness is an illusion
• I've met a thousand strangers and wondered who they are

I don't think it is a resume that will get me that coveted ambassadorship to the Bahamas.  But it works for me for now.

---------------------------------

In the clearing stands a boxer, 

And a fighter by his trade 

And he carries the reminders 

Of ev'ry glove that laid him down 

Or cut him till he cried out 

In his anger and his shame, 

"I am leaving, I am leaving." 

But the fighter still remains.. 

-- Paul Simon

Shake the dust off your wings and the tears out of your eyes

ever have a moment of complete duality?  Like I was going to write a brief post about the song I posted on the last entry.  14 years by GnR. I wrote that about a year and half ago, somehow it disappeared into the vault of "preview".


 I am comtemplating telling the whole truth, so help me God.  And it won't be as simple as "it's all thier fault".  I'm complicit in my own sins.  I'm the one who must atone.  But at the end of day, what's the point?  To explain to a bunch of people stuff they don't care about?  Why ?

Other than to purge myself, I can't think of any valid reason.  Tell you what, if you really want to know, buy me an adult beverage and we will talk.

So I think I will leave you with the next GnR song in the play list:

Yesterday's got nothin' for me
Old pictures that I'll always see
I ain't got time to reminisce old novelties

Yesterday's got nothin' for me
Yesterday's got nothin' for me
Yesterday's got nothin' for me
Yesterday

60 Days

The great malaise of life can grind into our soul at times. Kind of like mixing batter. It doesn't take a lot of bland white polished flour to make the entire mixture seem bland. But it also doesn't take a lot of color to mix things up a bit either.

It is rare that I erase what I type. I figure that if it worth writing the first time, then you need to wrap your brain around it at least once. Hey, you only have to read it once, I'm the one who has to live with where it came from. so, it could be worse.

I had this whole counting crows mood selected for this blog posting, but I am changing that, thanks to our good friend Axl Rose. I guess, I'm in one of those moods tonight where I don't care about convention. So, Use your illusion is the album and here are some lyrics:

I try and feel the sunshine
You bring the rain
You try and hold me down
With your complaints
You cry and moan and complain
You whine an tear
Up to my neck in sorrow
The touch you bring
You just don't step inside to
14 years
So hard to keep my own head...
That's what I say
You know...I've been the beggar...
I've played the thief
I was the dog...they all tried to beat

It's not directed at one person or one singular event. But a combination of things. Here is the story... I promise, I will tie this all in together... give me a minute

Friday night I go to the races. It struck me. I was enjoying just being there in the moment watching cars go fast and turn left. That's it. Sounds simple and it was. To just be still and enjoy a warm summer evening with a mindless activity. Ignorance is bliss. I didn't know about the credit downgrade. I didn't know about that tiny fact. While it may not seem like much to you, it is a major red flag event for me. It has mobilized my last vestiges of reservations about what is to come. I don't know the shape and form of what it will be. I realized that I will never be fully prepared. There isn't enough ammunition or food or water filters I can store up. I have to enjoy the brief moments of happiness that still exists. I can't change the course this country is on, but I can change my response to it.

I'm pissed about it coming. But it has fallen to us. and I say, let them come.

My Heart was colder when you'd gone...

that is the mark of someone who has made an impact in your life.  When your life is colder, empty, vapid, when they have left.  And it is at the most in opportune time's that you will notice that they are gone.  When the warm sunshine of a bright beautiful day is interrupted by the cold reminder of what is missing.   We can invent all kinds of lies and alternate endings to this choose your own adventure.  But the truth still remains.  It always remains.  If we could visually see the edifices people have built to hide from the truth or justify their lies, the sun would be blocked.  What if those walls we hide behind collapsed, and the world was let in?  Could we change to accept ourselves and accept others?

That is what is wrong in this country.  We are scared of each other.  We don't hate each other.  We aren't strangers to each other. We have allowed walls and mountains to be put between us, turning friend into foe and associate into adversary.  WHY?   We have danced with this devil long enough.  I'm worried that this is this countries final dance.  A lot will change when we are finally stripped of all the distractions.  and those that would distract us.  The essence of who we are lies in honesty.  We have spent our "youth" as a nation in the pursuit of crap that doesn't matter.  We built an edifice to our lies and then further deceived our children into thinking it was best for them.  So what do we do with those of us who notice this trivial issue?  Isolate, Medicate, and Infuriate them.    Until the fringes become the focal point, and we deal with our fear, we will be isolated.