It's sunday night. Usually my night for insomnia, or gut wretching semi delissuional posts about someone else's life. Not tonight. I'm just wanting to say hello. But I don't know how.

Scarecrow or Sacred Cow?

So this morning I had the overwhelming desire to hear the song "Rain on the scarecrow" by John Mellencamp. Why? I don't know. Maybe it was the 2 Italian sausages I had for dinner last night. or the humidity. or the Zyrtec. take your pick, there are plenty of options, some times I pretty messed up. That's the thing. I shouldn't like Mellencamp or Springsteen but I do. They are such whacked out liberal motards it makes my brain explode. I guess I have learned to compartmentalize different parts of our life. I don't go to them for life advice. I go to them to hear them strum their guitar and play my song. It's mine when I pay for it or download it illegally from Napster. (not that I condone "stealing") You know whats funny? How we can sit down to write something and something else comes out. Maybe the above paragraph is just so the juices would start to flow. This is what I was meant to write:

Are you angry at God? I am pretty sure I am sometimes. It's amazing to admit that. Mainly because when I think about all He has done for me, I have absolutely ZERO right to be angry. I think everyone looks for something or someone to blame when life doesn't work out like it supposed to. I won't go so far as to say that it didn't work out because you subconsciously wouldn't let it work out, and rather than accept responsibility for your own shortcomings, you looked for a scapegoat. I wouldn't say that about you because then, it would be true regarding myself. I'm cynical, not honest.

Seriously though. Why are you angry at Him? Why am I angry at Him? Like, I'm going to tell you. But just think about that once in awhile. I know I will be. It just struck me as strange that the one being that CAN do something about a situation, we hold the biggest grudge against. What is up with that? I think if God could say it, he would. He would shout it so loud and in every language so that all could hear : WTF! But that isn't God's nature. Thankfully, he is patient with us. Especially with me. Sometimes we are led to a place where all we want to do is say "I'm sorry" and the list is as endless as our torments. When matched against perfect Love, even our cleanest gowns are mere dirty rags. Geesh, can i use anymore cheesy uber Christian references? If I wanted to, it would be easy. But I'm not going to go.
I'm just going to work out the issues and know that they will work out time.

Something else on my mind lately. At your core, do you know who you are? Are you going to change for someone? I don't mean preferring the coffee with cream or not. But are you going to capitulate on your essence for the sake of someone else? Don't be so quick to answer. If you have ever been alone in this life, then don't be flip. I can understand people that do. Want to know hell on earth? Be truly alone for a month. Unless you have walked that road, don't be so quick to judge those that have. At first, it is easy to think the rest of the world is crazy, but eventually, the start reality of emptiness forces us to reconsider that view. think of it in sports parlance : Scoreboard don't lie. I'm not advocating changing who you are in order to have something or someone. I'm just stating that I understand people that do. At some point, you can't base your happiness on if or when you have a relationship with another person. Most people in our lives come and go. It is hard letting some of them go as they truly have made a mark on your heart. But sometimes, we have to let them go and sometimes we have to realize that we can't change who we are. If we sacrifice ourselves at the alter of someone else, what will be left when that person is gone?

I know this is really messed up blog posting. 3 major topics? yeah, I know. Thanks for reading.

No Apologies

You can lie to me.
it only makes me stronger
you can knock me down
it only makes me stronger
you can insult me
it only makes me stronger
beat me with your fists
it only makes me stronger
beat me with your words
it only makes me stronger
take everything from me
it only makes me stronger
rape my soul of humanity
it only makes me stronger
every push, slap, stab
only makes me stronger
you thought I was weak
you thought I would stumble
you thought I would cave
you thought I would quit
you thought wrong
you cannot imagine how strong I get
each time you try to kill the essence of me
I knew who I was long before you tried to kill me

And if you think you've had too much of this life


well... Hang on.

Chemistry

It is a volatile topic. Chemistry. and Relationships. Yeah, just what you want to read about huh? Well, I've had an idea on my mind for the past 20 years about chemistry vs soul mates. I'm going to challenge some long accepted "norms" of romance with this post. I don't mean to kick anyone in the shins, but let's be honest. The best burgers come from sacred cows. well, lets get to it...

I don't believe in the romantic fantasy of "soul mates". Sorry to burst your bubble. They don't exist. At least, I've never met one. Maybe it is the term I disagree with? No, it is the entire concept. I don't believe that we are meant to find this one person who will meet every need and solve every problem and love us unconditionally. That description can only be fulfilled by Jesus. (not Buddha or Allah, sorry.) Outside of Jesus, what about marriage? What about finding that "soul mate" and falling in love and having babies and eating fried chicken on the rocking chairs at 85? It's not that I don't believe in falling in love, or children or rocking chairs. I believe in all of those. I just don't believe that we have a destiny to find this one person and then everything else will fall into line. It raises too many questions. Such As:

What if we never find that person?
What if we marry the wrong person?
What if don't find them, what does that make us?
What does it make God if we don't find them? (how sick would that be? I don't picture God like that. That is a perverted twisted view of God, that we are just put here to suffer and toil away at nothingness until, thankfully, we die).

So as you can see, I dismissed the entire theory of "soul mates" quite quickly upon asking myself some of those questions. I have a far superior idea/theory. What else would you expect from me?

I believe that you will have people pass through your life that you have a certain chemistry with. A chemistry that is timeless. I'm sure you know people with whom you can call after many years of not speaking and pick up right where you left off. It's because the chemistry is there. The mere essence of both of you get along just fine. I am not advocating that these people are meant to be a romantic interest. But I do realize how special each one of these people are and how timeless your connection is. I do think that some of these people you can marry and be perfectly happy with. The chemistry is the basic building block of a great relationship. Great being defined between the two of you. Chemistry trumps soul mates every time.

Here is the sticky point. Just because the chemistry is right, doesn't mean that the recipe will work out. Especially between men and women. There is an entire book one can write about how our lives could work out, but doesn't and if that is a sign of a greater power. I choose to believe that God is in charge and he will protect you to a point. If you are bound and determined to screw your life up, then I believe he will let you. (not sure where that came from, but I am going to leave it in there, I normally delete lines like that. Gosh, look at how horrible that grammar is. Sorry Ms. Schieder)

Okay, back on track. Recently I saw a movie called "Limitless". I was pleasantly surprised. The gist of the movie is what if someone could use all their brain power?. Good concept. But what about if we could use all of our heart? What capacity could we love? Could their be room for everyone in there? Seriously. If you get heart broken a few times, do you ever really get over it? I don't think so, you just get used to dealing with it. (see previous blogs about this) And we learn to love another. We love different people in different ways. Even those that have become a memory. We still have that capacity and emotion of love for them. But we realize that we must let go and move that love into the "low rent" district of our hearts. It is these people with whom we have chemistry with that we do love. It is really both hearts talking to each other. That's why you can pick up after all those years. That's why I believe in true love. Not just romantic love. But loving someone just simply because they are who they are.


" Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails"

My favorite part is the last 3 words. "Love Never Fails". It doesn't. But we must not confuse love with romance. Chemistry is necessary for any long term relationship. Who wants to have any type of relationship with someone they can't stand? How dumb would that be?

So that's it. Chemistry is a wonderful gift that manifests itself throughout many people throughout our lives. Hopefully we recognize not only how special that chemistry is, but how special the person is that we have it with.