And I'm driving a stolen car,
on a pitch black night,
and I'm telling myself I'm gonna be all right
But I ride by night and I travel in fear
That in this darkness, I will disappear.
-- Bruce Springsteen - "The River"
The easiest lies spoken are the ones you tell yourself. The small compromises whose summation is destruction. What is the old saying? "Denial just ain't a river in Egypt". Well, I'm speaking more broadly here. Our friend Bruce spells out a scenario where in everything should be okay. But much like the tragedy of false expectations, our hope arrives stillborn. And we are left to wonder why. I will be honest. I'm not where I thought I would be at the young age of 35. What makes it even more interesting is knowing what I want, but knowing that now is not the right time. It begs the question of when will be the right time? I don't mean to sound like so many other pathetic posts on here. But when one is confronted by nothingness, it leaves time to go over the same ground.
I will say this, I need a change. But usually a change is preceded by bad news. Call me a little gun shy, but I prefer the routine right now. And so spring leads to summer and life goes on, right? It is important not to overlook the fulfillment and joy that is present all around me. There are certain, amazing blessings that I truly thankful for. Blessings that words cannot express. For when all you know is darkness, the light is shocking. The light is something that cannot be put back in the bottle. That's what it is. I've been stumbling a little to write this one, but I think I have it now. It is easy to get so caught up in what I want, or what I don't have, that I lose sight of all the amazing things I do have.
So this Thanksgiving, as I count the many blessings. I know I don't have enough fingers or toes to count them. I accept the uncomfortable reminder that I do not have what I truly desire, but in time, in God's plan, it will work out.
If we are living the lie, putting on the falseness of someone else. Driving our "stolen car" of a life, then this is how we live:
Ecclesiastes 2:10-11-
And all that my eyes desired I did not refuse them. I did not withhold my heart from any pleasure, for my heart was pleased because of all my labor and this was my reward for all my labor. Thus I considered all my activities which my hands had done and the labor which I had exerted, and behold all was vanity and striving after wind and there was no profit under the sun.
Striving after the wind. I think that speaks for itself. But I think most importantly, it is realizing what St. Paul said:
I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.I can do all this through him who gives me strength.
-- Phil. 4:12
So that's it.
