Anything but Mine

 Listen, reasons never will explain.
Freedom, is just to save time,
'Til I'm strong enough,
To bend and not break.

I'm standing on the hardline,
Taking my sweet time
Praying that you'll see why,
I'm slow to change.

- Waylon Jennings

With four inches of fresh snow it is difficult to feel the warmth of the summer portrayed in the video.  The feelings are rather easy to come by.  They are the result of reality taking hold and making its presence known.  There are things far from our control.  I know why people can question the existence of God.  Especially when things hurt.  It is curious how He is not questioned when things are running smoothly.  But one bump in the road and everyone wants to debate the presence of the One who made the car.  Funny thing about humans and human nature.  I do find it interesting that beyond our own perceptions, life has a way of happening.  We can climb our personal mountains, shake our fist at the sky and demand answers, but, our mountain is not Sinai.  We have to come to terms with the reality that is, not always what is hoped.  I think that by focusing on what it should be, and how much that can hurt, we forget how great what is. 

Open your eyes you might see

 I've had good days and bad days
And going half mad days
I try to let go but you're still on my mind
I've lost all the old ways
I'm searching for new plays
Putting it all on the line

-"If the phone doesn't ring, its me" - Jimmy Buffett

I read once that what deserves to live, lives and that which doesn't die.  While I abhor stereotypes and all encompassing statements, I would like to explore this one briefly.  But a detour.  Why does a child always reach for the hot stove?  I don't remember doing this as a kid, but I think everyone does.  I'm sure I did.  How else are we supposed to learn that hot stoves burn?  I (we) never take our parents word for it.  So what does the belabored parent finally relent to the hearing impaired child?  A burned hand and lesson taught by deed, rather than warning.  While my hand hasn't been burned, it does feel the heat and the hair maybe singed.  But sooner or later we all come to our senses.  And the only sensible thing to do is to vanish.  As there is no other way.  When those things that never get said, and they shouldn't, it is time to put a stop to it.  We've all heard the expression about unringing a bell . It cannot be done.  But we can decide to ring the bell.

I'm not going to ring the bell.  I'm going to put it down.  Step back from the stove.

If the phone doesn't ring, it's me.

Snowin on Raton

The biggest fuel for creativity can be procrastination.  I know that sounds a little snarky, but it is true.  When I am needing to do something else, like study, that is when the greatest creative urges come upon me.  I don't have any witty songs tonight.  I just think that right now, it is all changing.  And that can be a good thing.  We shall see.

Via Dolorosa

"We're just two lost souls, swimming in a fish bowl, year after year

running over the same ol ground,

What have we found?
the same old fears.

Wish you were here."

- Pink Floyd (Roger Waters, David Gilmour)

And another door closes and the waiting for the next opening commences.  Thursday, I said goodbye to a friend.  A coworker.  A teacher.  I don't try to make people perfect, but I do recognize their unique genius.  He had a genius of his own.  A talent for people.  Something I lack most times.  I shall miss the old man, that is for certain.  But I know that I will see him again.  

The atheist perplexes me, as does the agnostic.  In time we shall all see.  I hope to see my Savior.  

Table Talk

It is really funny to me how when I get an idea in my head, how it changes from when I sit down to what comes out.  I was going to discuss some deep boring topic of coming-full-circle but now, that is all changing.

"I hurt myself today

to see if I still feel

I focus on the pain

the only thing that's real..

What have I become,

my sweetest friend?

Everyone I know

goes away,

in the end

and you could have it all

my empire of dirt

I will let you down,

I will make you hurt"

- Hurt.  Written by Trent Razor, sung by Johnny Cash

Life can be a terminal feedback loop sometimes.  As much as we strive to exit certain tendencies, we inevitably stray back to the familiar.  Tonight I strayed back to where so much went off the rails.  I remember vividly that table.  Those seated around it.  The conversation wasn't pleasant.  The words used included "coma", "brain damage", and my own personal favorite: "likelihood".  The crucible of the next few hours and months has been the anvil of my life.  Whereupon my essence was formed against the immutable truth.  A simple truth:  I'm not God.  I will live my entire life with more questions than answers.  I will constantly ask "Why".

But that doesn't mean I will stop questioning.

I think we take it too far in equating questioning with unbelief.  Only tyrants seek unquestioning loyalty.  I believe we were given a brain and reason for a purpose.  

So I don't know why I went there.  It seemed convenient.  But the numbness is curious.  I honestly don't know what I expected.  To be upset or to be happy, but instead, I was numb.  Not apathetic, or used to it, or "okay".  But perhaps, I am learning more every day how I truly don't have control over so much.  It was once an old saying that I often neglected, but there is wisdom in knowing that the only two things you can control are your attitude and actions.  So the table talk tonight was different.  None of those nasty nouns and adjectives that only upset the emotions and intellect.  But the backdrop was there.  Profound simple truth always lurks in our backdrop of life.  We can choose to acknowledge it or ignore it.  Ignore it at your peril.

"Regrets collect like old friends

Here to relive darkest moments

I can see no way, I can see no way

And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh

But I'd like to keep some things to myself

I like to keep my issues strong

It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool and I've been blind

I can never the past behind

I can see no way I can see no way

I'm always dragging that horse around....

..

Tonight I'm going to bury that horse in the ground

..

And it's hard to dance, with the devil on your back,

so shake him out

And I'm done with my graceless heart

Tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart.."

-- Florence and the Machine "Shake it Out