That I would Be good

We all have our resume that details a certain portion of work, experience, or education.  But what about the things that don't fit neatly into the columns?  What about the true experiences of life that don't align well with bullet points?

If I had to list a resume of things that I have been involved in or experienced, it would be simple:

• I've watched soul mates marry and divorce
• I've seen a father give his daughter to marriage and then watch as death stole her 
• I've shared in the excitement of a new baby and lamented over an empty crib
• I've seen the sun rise on a lumberyard on a beautiful October morning when I was moving out of my glamorous mini storage
• I've walked into the room of someone who I didn't think would wake up, to find them smiling.  (that was a good day)
• I spent my youth dreaming dreams and lived a reckless abandonment of reason pursing them, and yet, I'm somehow thankful.
• I've loved, only to have my heart put into a blender and puree mashed.
• I've driven a million miles to end up where I began in a car that shouldn't have made it 10 miles.
• I've made every mistake a man of 34 could possibly make.
• I've prayed "Thy will be done" when I didn't know how much it would hurt.
• I sat in the parking lot of a Denny's praying to God that I had enough gas to get home, and maybe a couple of dollars to eat with.
• I've sat in too many small hospital rooms awaiting test results.  
• I've failed, tried again and failed even more.  I will try again.
• I asked her to stay, only to watch her walk away
• I've walked away when she asked me to stay
• I've laughed till I cried and cried until I laughed in the same night.
• I've seen how darkness is an illusion
• I've met a thousand strangers and wondered who they are

I don't think it is a resume that will get me that coveted ambassadorship to the Bahamas.  But it works for me for now.

---------------------------------

In the clearing stands a boxer, 

And a fighter by his trade 

And he carries the reminders 

Of ev'ry glove that laid him down 

Or cut him till he cried out 

In his anger and his shame, 

"I am leaving, I am leaving." 

But the fighter still remains.. 

-- Paul Simon

Shake the dust off your wings and the tears out of your eyes

ever have a moment of complete duality?  Like I was going to write a brief post about the song I posted on the last entry.  14 years by GnR. I wrote that about a year and half ago, somehow it disappeared into the vault of "preview".


 I am comtemplating telling the whole truth, so help me God.  And it won't be as simple as "it's all thier fault".  I'm complicit in my own sins.  I'm the one who must atone.  But at the end of day, what's the point?  To explain to a bunch of people stuff they don't care about?  Why ?

Other than to purge myself, I can't think of any valid reason.  Tell you what, if you really want to know, buy me an adult beverage and we will talk.

So I think I will leave you with the next GnR song in the play list:

Yesterday's got nothin' for me
Old pictures that I'll always see
I ain't got time to reminisce old novelties

Yesterday's got nothin' for me
Yesterday's got nothin' for me
Yesterday's got nothin' for me
Yesterday

60 Days

The great malaise of life can grind into our soul at times. Kind of like mixing batter. It doesn't take a lot of bland white polished flour to make the entire mixture seem bland. But it also doesn't take a lot of color to mix things up a bit either.

It is rare that I erase what I type. I figure that if it worth writing the first time, then you need to wrap your brain around it at least once. Hey, you only have to read it once, I'm the one who has to live with where it came from. so, it could be worse.

I had this whole counting crows mood selected for this blog posting, but I am changing that, thanks to our good friend Axl Rose. I guess, I'm in one of those moods tonight where I don't care about convention. So, Use your illusion is the album and here are some lyrics:

I try and feel the sunshine
You bring the rain
You try and hold me down
With your complaints
You cry and moan and complain
You whine an tear
Up to my neck in sorrow
The touch you bring
You just don't step inside to
14 years
So hard to keep my own head...
That's what I say
You know...I've been the beggar...
I've played the thief
I was the dog...they all tried to beat

It's not directed at one person or one singular event. But a combination of things. Here is the story... I promise, I will tie this all in together... give me a minute

Friday night I go to the races. It struck me. I was enjoying just being there in the moment watching cars go fast and turn left. That's it. Sounds simple and it was. To just be still and enjoy a warm summer evening with a mindless activity. Ignorance is bliss. I didn't know about the credit downgrade. I didn't know about that tiny fact. While it may not seem like much to you, it is a major red flag event for me. It has mobilized my last vestiges of reservations about what is to come. I don't know the shape and form of what it will be. I realized that I will never be fully prepared. There isn't enough ammunition or food or water filters I can store up. I have to enjoy the brief moments of happiness that still exists. I can't change the course this country is on, but I can change my response to it.

I'm pissed about it coming. But it has fallen to us. and I say, let them come.

My Heart was colder when you'd gone...

that is the mark of someone who has made an impact in your life.  When your life is colder, empty, vapid, when they have left.  And it is at the most in opportune time's that you will notice that they are gone.  When the warm sunshine of a bright beautiful day is interrupted by the cold reminder of what is missing.   We can invent all kinds of lies and alternate endings to this choose your own adventure.  But the truth still remains.  It always remains.  If we could visually see the edifices people have built to hide from the truth or justify their lies, the sun would be blocked.  What if those walls we hide behind collapsed, and the world was let in?  Could we change to accept ourselves and accept others?

That is what is wrong in this country.  We are scared of each other.  We don't hate each other.  We aren't strangers to each other. We have allowed walls and mountains to be put between us, turning friend into foe and associate into adversary.  WHY?   We have danced with this devil long enough.  I'm worried that this is this countries final dance.  A lot will change when we are finally stripped of all the distractions.  and those that would distract us.  The essence of who we are lies in honesty.  We have spent our "youth" as a nation in the pursuit of crap that doesn't matter.  We built an edifice to our lies and then further deceived our children into thinking it was best for them.  So what do we do with those of us who notice this trivial issue?  Isolate, Medicate, and Infuriate them.    Until the fringes become the focal point, and we deal with our fear, we will be isolated.

Postmarked Birmingham

Definitely a "b" side song.  I think most of the good ones are the "b" side stuff.  For those of you not familiar with the terminology.  B side is the other side of the record no one listens to.  Most often, for good reason.  Occasionally a gem is unearthed deep within the vinyl and a good song rises to the surface.  This is a song sung by Henry Paul.  Here is a bit of flea market trivia.  Henry Paul was also the lead singer of a popular group called "the outlaws" from the 70s.  Who woulda thunk it?

So the song was written by Phil Vasser and Don Sampson.  And I believe it is a powerful song.  A song about love, relationships, and seeking deeper meaning.  Wait a sec....  Doesn't that sound like every blog post I agonize you with?  Grab a cup of joe, and check out this powerful last verse:

Every day down by the mailbox 
Standin' on the curb I check 
The upper right hand corner 
Of every piece of mail I get 
Hopin' there's that certain circle 
Through the word 'Love' on a stamp 
Postmarked Birmingham

So we meet the protagonist late in the song.  Alone.  Waiting for some word, again, from someone he/she loves, who decided to leave.  For whatever their reason, they are gone.  The protagonist received a letter earlier in the song asking for his forgiveness and attempting to explain it all.  So now, with no other option, he waits everyday for another letter, hoping to reconnect.  We are left to wonder just how long he waits at that mailbox.  So it begs the question in the most ethereal of senses, what is your mailbox?

Or more important, what is your letter?  I think we can talk ourselves into any delusion we want.  Ultimately, our subconscious has us standing on curb waiting for the realities letter.  Ever had a situation, especially a relationship, where the most important emotions go unsaid?  Finally, the cork blows and both of you look at each other, disarmed by the truth and you realize that the only thing you have in common is the distance between you?  Reality just made it delivery.  How about a job, you know the guillotine awaits, yet you go through the motions.  Padding the chair because of feigned responsibility?   So you finally get the walk of shame down to the conference hall, the phony smile, lame excuse and a severance package.  Reality just made it's delivery.  But what about the things we wait at that curb that never come?  Where we just accept the fact that things are the way they are and they aren't going to change.  Andy Dufrense from Shawshank had enough of that curb waiting.  Maybe that letter will set us free.  

A grim intimation of what is to be

So I guess I am supposed to write about what happened two years ago today.  It's what you are expecting.  Well, not tonight.  Another dumb blog post won't bring anyone back or change anything, so why bother?  I prefer to remember the life, not the death.  So life moves on. Sometimes against our wishes and sometimes in favor of our wishes.  The mighty piston of reality crushes down upon us and we can either be molded or melted.  Make no mistake, reality will have it's way.

I had a conversation with someone a few weeks ago and it keeps sticking in my mind.  We were discussing relationships.  Now, this person has a much more in depth situation than I do.  We were discussing singleness and marriage.  I brought up that we shouldn't call them "relationships" but rather, "compromises".  Ultimately, that is what they are.  When two become one, there have to be compromises to different things.  But what happens when one isn't ready to compromise?  No relationship?  Or a superficial one?  I think the reality of the relationship is the mature ability to compromise.  I think we should substitute "compromise" for "relationship".  Instead of, "I have a wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend, just say, I have a compromise.

Third Eye Blind"

"I write everything down except what's on my mind" -- Narcolepsy.

Yep.

Why Don't you Do yourself a favor?

And just leave me the hell alone.
sometimes I really like Pat Green.  And Texas country music.  Have I mentioned that Texas country music is 1,000,000 times better than Nashpoop?  Just saying...  You won't find a song like this:

All right, all right, go on and live you life tonight
I'm fine, man I'm doing all right.
Never needed you to be a part of my life
When you're sitting there all alone
Why don't you do yourself a favor, and leave me the hell alone...all right.

Bigger Fish to Fry

I am not at all appalled by the shocking lack of critical thinking in regards to the gay marriage issue.  First, I am not going to state my position on it.  I am going to ask a few questions:

1.  What is the history of Marriage?  (Each culture different, but study them all)
2.  Why is the government involved in marriage?
3.  What is the history of the relationship between government and marriage? 
4.  What is the proper role for the United States Government (as outlined by the constitution) in regards to marriage?
5.  What does all of this have to do with the Protestant Reformation?

Those should make you think.  Now, don't go to the knee jerk left v right response.  Let us delve deeper.

First, let is separate a few things and then unpack everything.  First point.  For me. I am not attempting to change your mind or criticize your standpoint no matter how wrong it is.  Just kidding.  My own personal belief is that marriage is between one man and one woman and God.  I see the world through my Catholic belief system perspective.  So that is the ground work for my thought process. 

Got it?  Okay, you don't have to agree, but if  you would like to know how I view this issue, I will explain.  if you dont' want to hear what I think, then tune on ESPN.  I'm sure world peace is on there throwing more elbows into faces and apologizing. 

I always wondered why the Christians and gays squared off on this issue.  It is essentially because both parties are wanting the Government to make them happy.  Here we go.

I'm going to save ourselves many hours of research and reading.  Who wants to read anyways? 
Lets divide it into two types of marriages for our argument here.  Spiritual and Regulated.

Spiritual :

Marriage is a sacrament in the Catholic church.  Marriage predates the church,, and it has existed in many other spiritual communities.  I know it is in Jewish, Muslim and Christian faiths.  It is subject to the higher "authorities" in those various systems. 

Regulated:
Basically government doing what it does best.  Yep, you guessed it.  BOHIC.  Government taking your money.

Where did the two really blend together?  John Calvin.  Yep.  When the Reformers threw off the chains of the "tyrannical" Catholic Church, they invited a devil they didn't know called government. 

so fast forward.  Now the Conservatives / Christians want the government to define marriage as one woman / one man.  So let me get this straight.  Protestants couldn't live under the Pope and Church telling them what to believe and do and act etc... So now the government can?  They are seeking the government to legitimize their personal spiritual beliefs?  Why?

And the gay marriage proponents don't get a free pass on this one.  Since when is marriage a "right"?  How convoluted are you?  There is absolutely nothing in our Constitution that specifies that you have a right to marry whomever you want.  You are just pissed because you feel like a victim.  Do you have any idea how much of America doesn't care you are gay?  Seriously.  You build it up and wear it as a badge of honor and most people simply don't care.  If you are so sure in your rights and your own personal crusade for equality, why do you seek the legitimacy of a government that only seeks to disenfranchise you? 

Both sides need to stop with this absolute asinine behaviour.  The state should have absolutely no say in the personal lives of the citizens.  That is so simple.  Both sides are beyond help in their ability to analyze this situation.  There are many more important things. 

So to put it in one sentence, my thoughts on gay marriage:

Polishing the Brass on the Titanic.

It's not about the marathon

Maybe Sunday night I will tell you why.


Until then, I leave you with Mumford:

And after the storm,
I run and run as the rains come
And I look up, I look up,
on my knees and out of luck,
I look up.

Night has always pushed up day
You must know life to see decay
But I won't rot, I won't rot
Not this mind and not this heart,
I won't rot.

Silent All These Years

What if we had the courage of our convictions to be who we think we are?  Instead of saying the "politically correct" thing or the "polite" thing, we actually attempted to connect at a deeper level?  I know I am guilty of it.  I have for many years glossed over things that I should raise a ruckus.  When we are not honest with other people, our intentions can easily be mistaken.  Our society is so comfortable with labeling and categorizing things.  I know I am.  Here comes a tacky sports reference.  We all go through life with our own game plan.  It may not be written out and recited daily, but it is still there nonetheless.  By such and such time I plan on doing so and so.  Etc.  We approach life and all of the details of life with this mental framework.  Our thoughts and expectations guide us daily.  Anything outside of those expectations must be dealt with.  Forgot the dry cleaning?  Left a kid at the library? where did that car get off to?  All distractions from the plan and all must be dealt with.  (the kid isn't a distraction, leaving them was).  Anyways.

So you are proceeding through this as expected as you please.  We are expecting a certain feedback from people.  But what for one minute if someone was completely honest with us about something.  I'm not talking about when someone is pissed at you and they unload.  I'm talking about the things that we don't mention.  Mainly because we are embarrassed by them.  For example.  I like Alanis Morrisette's music.  and that scares me. 

See what I mean?  Useless knowledge, but now you see a greater insight into how my own thoughts work.  Don't get too close, they are scary sometimes.  But maybe that level of knowledge is a dangerous thing.  Perhaps we are aren't supposed to know one another that closely.  Would we lose our humanity if we know other's thoughts?  Or would we gain deeper insights into what we truly are? 

The old adage of ignorance is bliss is an interesting adage.  I've stated many times that I would rather know than not know.  As a general rule.  And as a general rule, general rules suck.  But I digress. 

So when someone unloads a piece of information upon our game plan, we usually seek to organize it.  We want it moved over into a "predictable" column.  I'm sure after the appropriate hugs and kisses are doled out.  But what if for one second, it was the norm?  Where we could always express our deepest fears, concerns, joys and disappointments?  What if there was such a place where we were emotionally safe enough to do that? 

I believe that we were created with that craving for true emotional intimacy.  Every form of expression, except for self immolation, is a calling out from our deepest souls searching for a connection.  And what if at the end of that single plea from the darkest recesses of ourselves the answer came back that you are not alone?  What would happen in this world?  When we were all honest about what we truly feel and we all stopped long enough to listen to each other?  Would the fighting and hate and burning of ourselves take place?  Or would we all find our own humanity and find that the one common denominator is our Maker?

Another Side

For some time I have wondering why Robert E. Lee fought for the south. When you read the biography of this man, he is a striking figure in American history. No doubt he loved his country. No doubt he loved all the ideals in the Constitution and the ideals of freedom. Why would he fight for Virginia, rather than the Republic? Probably because he knew what the Republic had become.

Scary thing when Patriots are forced into open rebellion due to the infringements of a over reaching government. Scary when your government sees you as the biggest threat. We are moving towards a place in history wherein all of our ideals of freedom will be tested. I firmly believe that this nation is in peril. I also understand that things are quickly moving towards instability and conflict. The battle lines are not being drawn in the Shenandoah valley, rather they are in our hearts. I will quote the song "Another Side" by Sawyer Brown:

I know that some things are wrong

But what gave them the right

To point their righteous fingers and expect us not to fight

To those who think the American people are too fluoridated, medically lobotomized, and dysfunctional : The majority may be asleep. For now. The unceasing minority of freedom loving patriots is rising. You will not succeed. We have proven time and again that we are willing to fight for our freedom. Are you sure you want to do this?

The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.

Thomas Jefferson

Roll Away Your Stone... I'll Roll Away Mine

"dont leave me alone at this time

for I'm afraid of what I will discover inside"

So begins the next journey. Actually, it is the same journey, just another chapter. I do not do this for vanity, but for sanity. Please understand that. I live in a different world occasionally. And lately it has become more the norm than the pesky oddity that it began. For those of you who don't know, I am one of the (whatever number shocks you) sufferers of a condition called "rosecea". I will save you the text book definition. Allow me to impart to you what it truly is. It is a thief. The most bastardy one. It takes a little bit of your soul each passing day. Until you are merely a shell of what you once were. You can see yourself behind the daily disfigurement. At least, you resemble who you once were. Am I making any sense? For those of us lucky enough, the make up can cover it. Usually it doesn't. The comments you receive to your marred face are bad enough. I'm thankful I can't hear the ones behind my back. I know. I should count my blessings and be thankful for what I have. I am. I truly am. but that doesn't make it better.

So much is in my mind right now. Namely, the scene from "Shawshank Redemption" where Red is talking about the walls of the prison and how prisoners can come to depend on them. Well, I have to throw in with Andy Dufrense on this one. I am willing to crawl through that 400 yard pipe of shit to get to the other side. For a couple of years I lived hoping that this would go away, or I could just cover it up. No longer.

It is no longer an option to deny the reality that confronts me on a daily basis. I have to do something about it. I've read all the warnings and signed all the waivers and read the warnings again. It just comes down to the simple equation that the life I currently lead with this condition is no longer acceptable. I must change it.

Ever seen Seinfeld? I love that show. The writers always knew how to weave all four stories together in the end. Marine Biologist? Great episode. Remember the bubble boy episode? The boy who had to live in a bubble? I can't remember who busted the boys bubble. But I am looking for a really good illustration and even this one isn't a good one. Let me think. .............

Still Thinking. I'm trying to express into words the accumulation of years of dejection. Of years of despising your own skin. This organ that is supposed to work with you and be your friend decides on a daily basis it isn't going to cooperate. It rebels against every medication, potion, and prayer. Each day is a surprise on the cruelty it will choose to inflict upon you. It stands as the accuser, judge and jury over every activity you had planned. Of the life you had planned. How does that sound? At first you think... Ah, it is nothing. Eventually though, you realize how different you are. After all. Acne, rosecea, kids have those right? not adults. You understand that a deeper level that you aren't being taken seriously because your appearance. I get it. When I was almost 300 pounds, people didn't take me seriously then either. Well, maybe if I was giving them directions to the golden corral they would take me serious. I wish our appearance didn't matter. I wish we all truly saw into each other's hearts and judged people based on that. Oh how idealistic. It just comes down to the simple word. Rejection.

Anything different is rejected. Rosecea is a label on your face that you are rejected. By women. By superiors, by co workers, and sometimes it feels like God has rejected you too. So much of the "tribe" goes against my grain. But at least reject me based upon what I believe or my character or the sin on my soul. But to base it simply on appearances. Why is that ?

I don't know all the answers and I can't change the world. Rosecea definitely lets you know who is in charge in the world. So rather than sit here, get the #$it kicked out of me, I am going to do something about it. Am I scared? A little. I don't know if it will work. I don't want to get my hopes up yet again. I'm listening to the Police, here is the refrain:

I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain

I may not always be sure what my life is supposed to be. But I am certain that it is not this. I am not a victim. I know I didn't deserve this social life ending condition and the requisite loneliness that comes along. Free of charge I might add. So tomorrow I start taking it back. I started taking it back over a year ago. Every pound lost. every mile ran. It is to take it back.

Simple really. I want to be able to look myself in the eye. And not be embarrassed at what I see before me. not only in appearance but in character, intelligence, and humanity. So I will take the pills. I will follow the orders and advice. I will run. I will be allowed to fulfill my destiny.

And when you see me cross that finish swine one Sunday morning in May. You will know why.

Watch this clip at 6:37. hopefully you will understand.

http://youtu.be/RdX6XDObCTo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RdX6XDObCTo

Siege Mentality

it is difficult watching the movie "the siege". It was released in 1998. Watching American's intern American's in the shadow of the twin towers is chilling. Watch this clip to get a feeling for where I am mentally right now:

I find it very hard to disagree with Denzel's character in regards to this speech. I have admit, I think he is correct. "They" have already won. "They" won a very long time ago when everyone, myself included, took it all for granted. Welcome to the death of Empire America. It only gets more ugly from here.

si vis pacem, para bellum

Mindy Smith - Fighting For It All

You can try to keep me down

You can try to keep me under

But you'll never get my will,

You'll never take my will to fight

'Cause I was born at the bottom of this mountain

I'm scaling and I'll probably climb it ,

Climb it till the day I die

All the things I know I need

It Just keeps me going

All the things I never had

Just keeps me wanting it more

Fighting for it all

I know I'm not that pretty

I'm only average smart

With an overwhelming uncanny need just a need to survive

Honey you can dig a grave six feet under

But you'll have to take me up

'Cause you know I won't be going alive

All the things I know I've need

It Just keeps me searching

All the things I never had

Just keeps me wanting it more

Fighting for it all

I never had a hero

Never met a saint

And there's nothing on this earth I can take with me

Anyway

All the things I know I've needed

Just keeps me going

All the things I never had

It Just keeps me wanting it more

Fighting for it all

Fighting for it all

So, you can try to keep me down

You can try to keep me under

But you'll never get my will,

You'll never take my will to fight

Rubicons are a Pesky Necessity

So Caesar stared across his. I wonder for how long. How long did the horse paw at the water and his mind race through the different outcomes? Did he see how sharp Brute's knife was from atop his steed? Did he feel the treachery? Or did he charge boldly through without seeing the consequences of his actions?

I guess as middle age fast approaches I begin to see to how the smallest of things have the biggest ripples. Not only on my girth, but also in my life. We all come to our own Rubicons. Where the current status quo is no longer tenable. Where we must decide. Some cross. Some ride back, away from the decision. I have made a few decisions lately that I'm sure won't make the front page. Ultimately, life must move on. In spite of everything else, even our own "wants" we have to keep pressing forward to what is most important.

Side note. What entertainment? Watch the fight scenes from Gladiator with Air Supply playing in the background... Now that's entertainment!

Okay, back to my diatribe:

What I'm trying to say is that, sometimes our lives are going to change, drastically. usually we aren't the catalyst. So there is a period of just trying to catch up to ourselves that we must do. I know I have done it. We will all come to them. I know I have crossed mine. Your Rubicon is coming. I hope you are ready.